California Dreamin'

CLEAN Program: Completed

2011-09-13T14:39:00.001-07:00

I did it. Finished the program. Not with the exact, drastic results I was hoping for, but results nonetheless. I lost a healthy 7 pounds (with my frame, not that you can tell) and felt a lot cleaner. No more stomach aches, itchy skin, or midafternoon naps.

Then my mom came to visit and it all went to shit. We ate Mexican food, and cheese after carb after cheese. She also got me back into the habit of making coffee every morning. Whoops. And now my digestive aches are back, and my mood swings. Boooo. But, I have been working out at least 4-5 days a week, and it feels great. My arms look a lot different.

I was asked last week to be a bridesmaid in my good friend Mandy's wedding to the wonderful and handsome Eric Phillips. I'm honored and excited! I've never been in a friend's wedding before! I'm also blessed that I have the free time and financial means to be involved. Mandy and Eric are super fun, I'm sure the wedding and everything surrounding it will be nothing less than off the hook.

I was able to take a casting workshop this past weekend with one of the ladies I read for during the early 2011 pilot season. She's a sweet lady, but not really casting much at the moment. I at least got to refresh her of my face and resume, and it got me up and reading again, which was nice. I have a few friend projects lined up as well that will exercise my muscle.

October will hopefully be a busy travel month for me! My girlfriends and I are planning a trip to Santa Barbara, I'll be meeting Caron in San Fran in the middle of the month, then hopefully going home to Florida at the end for some family time and to cheers Mandy and Eric at their engagement party. We'll see how it all works out. Like I said, I'm very blessed that I have the flexibility to do all this.

On a more serious note, I've had a very odd week emotionally. Maybe it's the coffee, but I'm in a bit of a funk and I can't put my finger on why. I had to remind myself again today that I can no longer live my life for someone other than myself. I worry so much about the decisions I make on a daily/weekly basis, but not for myself, but what other(s) will think. It's exhausting. I believe I am a smart, capable woman who makes good decisions for a 25 year old who doesn't really know what she's doing in life, and I need to be confident in that. I'm happy with my life. I really am. I believe God is working and pleased. I shouldn't continuously stress over if everyone else is happy with my life. I don't need to explain things to anyone, or plot out my life path for everybody. Mostly because I can't even do that for my mind's sake. I guess what I'm saying is, I should not base my decisions on what could go wrong if I choose one way or the other. Everything always works out in life, because I have a good head on my shoulders, and people who love me (all thanks to God, big ups Dude). I won't wait around to make a move because, "What if so and so shows back up?" "Should I go on this trip, what if I all of the sudden don't have the money?" "Do I feel like explaining this to my family?" I'm going to do what feels right for me, on a daily basis, and hope God is pleased, and ask that everyone else, who is not omnipotent and the creator of the universe, trusts me...and that includes myself. Feel free to draw conclusions based on what I've written here, what you see across the interwebs....they're probably not true.

Speaking of, my boss isn't getting married or adopting, or having anything to do with Sandra Bullock. I know it's hard to believe that people can make a successful, lucrative business out of selling fodder, but they do. I know, I know; the world is screwed up. So, no matter what you read in the "magazines", it's not true. It's sad because you want to feel like you're connected and "in the know" but unfortunately, it's all fabricated. You may even be thinking now, "Psh, no it's not. There's always some truth." Well, yes, but the "some truth" is always something really boring that they push into something more exciting. Until a story has a solid person speaking on the party's behalf, ("a friend close to the couple", "an insider" are made up, kids) don't believe it. I'm sorry to crush you like this, but, just one of the secrets of Hollywood. Oh, and almost everyone has had plastic surgery. Just think about all of that before you text me or send me FB messages, not that I don't love hearing from you!

Okay, I've blown your mind enough for one day. 'Til next time, watch Season 9 of Ellen that premiered yesterday!!! (Said that for Gina, love you girl.)

CLEAN Program Week 2 Completed

2011-08-31T00:18:00.000-07:00

I got to spend some quality time with a good friend this evening. I've been very lucky lately. I can just put out a call on Facebook, and it's answered. Last week it was, "What's going on tonight LA buds?" and I got a text 20 minutes later about joining some friends for a night out. Today it was, "Who wants to get drinks tonight?" and my great friend Alex answered my cry.

I've been struggling to get out of the wreckage of this break up. It's been better lately, but the loneliness itself is crippling sometimes. I told Alex that I've taken on my lonely moments as a challenge. A pain I have to get through, as if I had a cramp that I was waiting to pass. Just breathe through the stretch, be still, and it will be over, and once the darkness is gone, I feel as if I've accomplished something. I got through the pain of loneliness, if only for that one night.

She reminded me of the freedom of being my own person apart from a relationship; any relationship for that matter. She reminded me that in the quiet moments of life, I can do whatever I want. Whatever I want. I realized, that's so true. A smile crept across my face as I thought of all the possibilities that I could take advantage of in those lonely moments. She told me, "Just think of what YOU really want to do in that moment. What YOU want, not what anyone else wants, or what you want to do with someone else, what do YOU want, right then and there, and do it. No one else is around to stop you or judge you. I could tell someone tomorrow and laugh about it with them, or it could be my secret."

I could drive to the 24 hour CVS and get some ice cream.
I could watch Father of the Bride on Netflix.
Go see a midnight movie.
Drive to the beach.

I left her house, and immediately felt lonely, so I did what I used to really like to do. Back when I used to drive to Mark's apartment, I'd listen to Mat Kearney on the highway in the dark as I drove alone all the way to Pasadena. I used to love that time with myself. I'd blast the music, really dig into the lyrics, and the darkness made the melancholy music even more emotional and moving. Tonight I put on the new Mat Kearney album, and drove home in the dark. I got to my street, and just kept going. I went all through Larchmont until the album started again, then I made my way into my garage. It was a bit bittersweet, but great. I missed doing that.

She also reminded me to do things that make me feel better about myself. I have worked out everyday for the last 2 weeks because of that reason. It just makes me feel better about ME. The cleanse is going, well, okay. Not the greatest. But I'm seeing a difference in my body, which I'm super excited about, and I'm not giving up. Even though I've stumbled a few times, I'm going to finish it out. I made up a vegetarian crabcake recipe the other day:

Cauliflower
Veganaise
Old Bay seasoning
Dijon mustard
Gluten free breadcrumbs
Sunflower oil

Toss the cauliflower florets in olive oil and salt, roast in a 400 degree oven for 25 minutes until fork tender. Mash in a bowl (it will resemble lump crab meat!) Add veganaise, dijon, Old Bay, and breadcrumbs as if you were making normal crab patties. Form into cakes, fry in a quarter of an inch on Sunflower oil.

It was actually an accidental recipe. I had roasted the cauliflower and was mashing it to make faux mashed potatoes, but the consistency ended up coming out looking like coarse crab meat. :)

My boss left yesterday to shoot in Boston and will be gone for at least three months. He hired a temp assistant to take care of stuff for him while he's up there, which I'm not sure if I should be relieved or offended by. Anywho, looks like I basically have a three month paid vacation ahead of me. I'm not sure what my schedule is going to look like without him around, but I'm guess preeeetty slow. I'm going to do some traveling, cooking classes, I will probably (gasp!) take some workshops and try to audition for stuff. I can definitely get a few projects done in three months, right? This job is panning out to be a pretty sweet deal.

CLEAN Program Week 1 Completed

2011-08-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

First week is done! I can’t believe it.

I’m going to be completely honest...I’ve cheated. More than a few times. Nothing crazy, I haven’t binged, but one of my childhood friends came into town last Saturday, and I had some ice cream in the late afternoon and two cocktails late in the night. Monday I was taken out to dinner by one of my mentees, and I couldn’t find anything on the menu that would completely pass the elimination diet, so I had a salad and some tomato soup (tomatoes are a big no-no.) But I do have to say, 85% of my last 7 days has been right on track. I haven’t missed any of my supplements, and I have a shake for breakfast, and eat super healthily besides a few slip ups. I either have a shake for dinner, or aren’t hungry enough for dinner. I feel lighter, I wake up more well rested, and my itchy skin has really subsided. My clothes are fitting a little less tight, and my hair and nails are growing like crazy.

Making these shakes every morning and night is becoming a fun challenge for me. I just look in the fridge and guess what would pair well, and it turns out pretty great! Here are a few of my favorites I’ve made up:

Choco Coco

1 scoop chocolate Nourish

1 scoop Move

2 drops stevia

1 packet powdered greens

handful of dried coconut shreds

8 oz. unsweetened coconut milk

Blueberry Mint

1 scoop vanilla Nourish

1 scoop Move

heaping handful of blueberries

fist full of spinach

3 ripped up mint leaves

8 oz almond milk

Mango Coconut

1 scoop vanilla Nourish

1 scoop Move

1 packet powdered greens

1 cup mango chunks

1 drop stevia

small handful of dried coconut shreds

8oz unsweeted coconut milk

Tuesday I made homemade gluten free crackers! So easy!! You roll out the slab of dough on a baking sheet at 400 for 20 minutes, and then break it into crackers after it cools. They taste good, and I’ve been eating them with guacamole or tuna.

Kinda fun, right? I’m a nerd.

I’m finally sleeping in my own bed again! The two-week house sitting period is over. It looks like I won’t be going to Boston, but the boss loved Jackson Hole so much, that he’s buying a house there, and will send me there to settle it in. He made it sound like a vacation; I think it’ll be more like a “be there to meet the contractor” type thing. Whatever, some fresh air sounds nice, although the bustle of Boston is more my speed. Hopefully I can bring someone with me so I’m not so lonely. But, who knows when that’s going to happen so no need to worry about it now.

Happy Friday everyone!

New Beginnings: CLEAN Program Day 1

2011-08-12T09:58:00.001-07:00

The University of Dreams Girls' Night went fairly well. Only 3 of my girl friends ended up coming with me, which proved to be pretty helpful since only about 8 Dreamers showed up. We stayed with them until midnight, had great conversation, and didn't even need to bust out the wine!

This morning I started the 21 day cleanse from the Clean program (www.cleanprogram.com). It's a detox to help eliminate built up toxins and let the digestive system rest for a bit. I've been "pre-cleansing" for about 4 days now, and today starts the real thing.

Here is a snap shot of what they call "the elimination diet". A list of foods you can and can't eat. Since I've been studying veganism, raw, and clean eating for a while now, this list makes sense to me, and I already try to eat this way normally. The only problem is, I can't cheat. At all. Blah. So, no pizza on the weekends, no wine or cocktails, and no bread. For 21 days. Honestly, I'm okay with it. This is the most prepared I've ever been for a cleanse, and it's coming at a good time in my life. I have the money and time to keep up with it, and my body needs it. My skin is bad, I'm not sleeping well, my eczema is flaring up like crazy...it's time.

The day is as follows: A shake in the morning consisting of these ingredients:

The powdered greens are something I added in myself because it's easier to drink them than eat them, especially that many in a day. You'd need about 6 sturdy greens salads to make up for what's in that little packet, and even with the blessing of Whole Foods and in LA there's a farmer's market everyday, I still wouldn't be able to readily find some of the super greens that are in the packet (spirulina, sorel, etc.) The Move powder is a soluble fiber that helps with "elimination" (a nicer way to say "pooping") and the Nourish is a protein powder fortified with nutrients and a few minerals; I have a canister of vanilla flavored and one of chocolate flavored. I've been having smoothies or juices in the morning for a while now anyway because breakfast has never been a favorite of mine, but I've learned from the way my body reacts that I need breakfast or I'm cranky, or binge around noon, so this shouldn't be too hard of a change for me. Thanks to Gina, we have a Vitamix, so I'm lucky to have such a bad ass tool to make my shakes with. My shake this morning was a scoop of Move, scoop of chocolate Nourish, packet of greens, small handful of organic no sweetener added coconut flakes, and about 6oz. unsweetened almond milk. Pretty good actually!

Here are the supplements I must take each day. The bottles on the left are the normal things I take anyway (whole food, gluten/dairy free women's multi, omega 3-6-9, and Holy Basil, only in the morning), and the rest are 3 times a day. There is also a refrigerated probiotic I have to take every morning on an empty stomach.

Lunch is a meal from the elimination diet, and more supplements. There is no portion control, just eat until you're about 80% full. You should be drinking plenty of water (duh).

Dinner is another shake, same ingredients as the morning, although I'll probably leave out the green packet, plus the supplements. THIS is going to be hard for me. I've made a very bad habit of making dinner the biggest meal of my day, which is probably why I don't see any change in my body or sleep regimen even though I'm working out 4-5 times a week. My friends work 9-5(ish) jobs, and the only time I can see them is in the evening, and what do normal Americans do in the evening? Eat dinner after work. Birthday parties, and weekend get togethers are going to be hard as well since I can't drink or eat. I'm planning on downing a smoothie and my supplements before going to a party so that I'm full and won't want to eat or drink.

I'm sure I'm going to get lots of shit for this, especially when this cleanse has to bleed into social settings. "Why? You're not fat!" "You don't need to lose weight!" etc.
1) Thank you, but yes I do. I'm not happy with the way my body looks, especially in a bathing suit, so I'm going to trim down a bit.
2) My insides need some serious cleaning. If you know me well, you know that I've had a lot of random and a bit scary health problems the last 7 years or so, and I need to nip them in the bud.
3) I've been going through a ton of stress lately, and this is something that I can control and be proud of. Working on my health, and eventually doing cleanses is something I've been looking forward to for a long time, but never had the funds to do. My horoscope in August says to not start anything new, but work on things you've been putting off for a while, or started and never finished. Well, this is something I've been building up to do for a while now.

As you know, I love food very much, all kinds, so this is going to be both the most difficult thing ever, and the best thing ever. Cooking is my passion, and I constantly think of food and meals. Food Network is my drug of choice and Ryan has the Cooking Channel so I've been indulging in that while I'm living at his house, which then leads to cravings, which then leads to me randomly making broiled steaks and gratins at 9pm at night like a weirdo. I need to fill my headspace with something else. I want to read more, walk around my neighborhood more, find new music.

So, if you'd please encourage me and pray for me during this process. I'm excited for the rejuvenation it will garner. It will be tough, but I've had tougher, right? :) I will keep you updated each day. If you have any questions, or want to know more, please ask. I love raw, organic living and if you want to get started, it's a lifestyle I wholeheartedly recommend. One of my many goals in life is to become mostly raw, and continuously learn about my body and the way nature intended it to be.

Brain Farts

2011-08-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not your average PMSer. Why yes, I am prone to the "standard" type-A bitch fits, shameful carb binging, and crying over the Crazy Stupid Love 30 second movie trailer in between sobbing uncontrollably watching Surprise Homecoming. But one thing I'm thankful for during these 6 days of terrorism, is my superhero-like creativity.

It happened last night. I was parked at In N Out by LAX at 11:30pm. Listening to Drake's "Marvin's Room" and eating a hamburger and a fry well done. (I wasn't joking about the carb binging.) I had the most brilliant, actually feasible idea for a small business. My brain was exploding. I was typing fervently with my greasy fingers into an iPhone note.

It isn't the first time. It seems about once a month I get a burst of hormone fueled entrepreneurial creativity. Last time it was to start a cooking school for little girls. (Still want to do that by the way.) The time before it was to start a smoothie food truck. (Still want to do that by the way.) Some times they're little: Have a dinner party! I bet I can make ice cream with coconut milk!

A few weeks ago, as I told you, I was able to go back and speak to the intern students of University of Dreams about all that I've accomplished in the last 3 years here in Los Angeles. While it's nothing exciting, to them, it's as if I've successfully flown to the Sun. I was able to speak with a few of the girls after the seminar, and in my overstimulation I blurted out to a group of them, "OH MY GOD LET'S HAVE A LADIES NIGHT!" They were pretty excited. Once the endorphins of my new found "fame" died down, on the car ride home I thought, "What did I just promise? And what does 'ladie's night' even MEAN?" I decided to Facebook a few of my favorite ladies in the industry (who also happen to be my really close friends, aren't I the luckiest?) asking them if they'd be willing to come down to UCLA, have some wine, and speak with a bunch of 18-23 year olds about moving to LA, and "making it" in the industry. A meet and greet/Q&A if you will. Of course, because they are all fun, smart, sexy, successful women who also happen to be the sweetest people alive, most actually obliged!

Last night as I waited for Elise to land, I had this epiphany about what Los Angeles was lacking: Bad ass women in the industry. Now, don't get me wrong, there are upstanding women in the industry, but they are few and far between. LA is full of low self esteem plastic cougars, Playboy gold diggers, disheartened bitter singer songwriters, cowardly set PAs, and silent, terrified, ambitious girls who are ready to kick all the male directors in the balls with their talent and creativity, but don't know how, and don't have a voice. We need a community to back these girls up. We need to encourage the future bad ass women of Hollywood to come forward with conviction and be people worth celebrating. We have "Women in Hollywood" organizations around here, but its strictly based on achievements and millions made. I want to promote and honor truly good people. Who the core of them is to reach their dreams and be the best they can be as a woman.

I decided I need to create an outlet for girls moving to LA, or those who have been here but can't find good role models or a good community of healthy, fun, hard working, kind women to build them up and encourage them. We need a young women's society that has the Hollywood community in mind. We'd hold mixers and meetings every week to give these girls a place to network. Seminars from top, respected women in the industry who made it to where they are not by being a back stabbing bitch, but by hard work, passion, friendliness, and thankfulness. We'd travel to other cities, or set up an online community to answer questions from girls who have thought to move here, but are crippled by fear of the unknown. While I haven't achieved all my career goals, I'm still in the very beginning stages, I feel like I have a lot of advice to give about being out here, and about self esteem and growing up in general. I want girls to see how proud my friends and I are, and know they can be the same. And it will only get better as each of us continues to grow and accomplish in this town.

I am thankful for all the good people I have as friends here. Successful, driven, worthy women who glorify those around them and are always looking for ways to help others and improve themselves as an individual. It sets me on fire! And we need to spread it! This UOD Girls Night is just the beginning.

Lookie Lookie!

2011-07-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

Oh man. Hello World. I just finally crawled out of my hole a year later to update you on the end of 2010, and now most of 2011.

First off, really sorry about my absence. I'm not gonna lie, I got lazy, then busy, then depressed, and now, I'm slowly getting out of the depression, and into a new phase of my life.

So much has happened, I can't possibly catch you up on all of it. Let's hit a few highlights, shall we?

1) I'm single. Don't ask because I'll start to cry and shut myself in my apartment for another 8 months. Just know that I am. Not being in love anymore sucks, but at least now, 8 months later and a few years of seeing it coming, I am on the road to recovery. I finally see all the opportunity that is ahead of me, and I am doing my best to stay busy, not wallow in loneliness, and see myself for who I really am: Strong, funny, beautiful, ambitious, and a little crazy. :) My friends have been nothing but supportive and make sure I'm not slitting my wrists. I'm contemplating seeing a counselor to help me move on a little better. I'll document that drama as it unfolds when the time comes.

2) I don't work at Soho House anymore. Woo hoo! I got a new opportunity through a friend of a friend, and now my finances are stable, and I have a lot of free time to enjoy my life. I am planning on taking a lot of trips, cooking classes, and volunteer opportunities. Because of the situation, I unfortunately can't audition. But, I am justifying this position by acknowledging that my finances were/are in disarray, and I need this next year to claw out of a bit of the $40k debt I've buried myself in. Also, I'm in my 20's. Officially in my late 20's. I need to live a little, stop worrying so much, and have fun! My official motto for the rest of 2011 and 2012: HAVE FUN, NOT ANXIETY ATTACKS. Oh, and make my boss fall in love with me and Jesus, which is a feat in itself so it will take most of my attention.

3) My friends are the most amazing people. 2011 has been an amazing time for friends in my life. And the kind of friends who reciprocate and understand. They aren't just "fun", they are kind, reliable, and a necessity. God is showing up in the form of some of the most fascinating, and supportive people I've ever had the privilege to call friends.

4) My little sister is married. Wow. But she seems happy. She told me this morning that she weighs the most she ever has. Which ALWAYS happens. You get married, you get fat. I'm serious. Look at everyone you know who got married in the last 2 years on Facebook. Compare pictures. Bigger? Yep. Also, her husband got a new meat smoker so they've been experimenting for the last two weeks straight. I'm sure that probably has something to do with it.

5) I'm still in the same apartment. My parents came to visit this past week, so with my daddy and mommy's help, I was able to hang some curtains, pictures, and organize. Gina has been out of town (summer hiatus again) since June 19th. I went Rambo on her bathroom and bedroom about two weeks ago, and the hall closet is immaculate.

6) Still training and working out. I am a part of two classes I really enjoy, and I train at LA Fitness with the same trainer about once a week. I don't look too much different, but I'm definitely more defined. I still wear the same size, but I'm working on the diet part of my fitness routine. I have eliminated blatant dairy from my diet. By blatant, I mean, I still eat it in sauces, baked goods, and I have eggs every once in a while if I feel like it. It's helped a lot. I had a small glass of milk this past week and almost cried from how bloated I felt. I don't eat a lot of meat or pasta, and I take vitamins every day. My next paycheck I am going to do the Clean Detox for 21 days. I know it seems like a lot, but I'm not going into it cold turkey. I've been prepping for a big detox for the last 10 months or so, slowly eliminating things and changing my diet, reading and researching, and now I think I can really follow through and do it right. Plus, I'm paying a pretty penny for it, so that would motivate anybody. I WILL be a size 6 by the time summer is over!

7) One of my goals for the rest of the year is to move my older sister, Caron, out here. I have a network of people finding her job opportunities. :) If you know of any in the LA area, please alert me.

I believe that's about it for now. Stay tuned, I promise my life will get exciting.

Update

2010-06-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

Well, life is going okay. Besides the whole "being broke" thing, stuff's moving along.

Mark and I got our anniversary trip sorted out, planned, and paid for. We're going to Dana Point to relax on the beach and go whale watching, and explore Catalina Island for a long weekend. I'm going to need it.

I started my intensive sitcom acting class this past Wednesday. For three Wednesdays in a row I have a 6 hour class, then every day in between we are required to practice in small groups at least 3 hours a day. Its really hard to find 3 extra hours in my day. I've found myself scheduling stuff back to back for the last 6 days. Literally, from 9am-11pm I'm back to back. No rest in between. I finally had a day off yesterday. I took the whole day off. I didn't go to rehearsal and decided I'd make it up on Wednesday before my marathon class. I slept in, went to brunch, went to the park and took a 2 hour nap on a blanket in the sun, then Gina cooked us dinner and then I went to a UCB show. It was a great day. Now I'm back to the grind for a while I guess.

The class is pretty great and I'm meeting some really sweet people. It gives me confidence that mostly all the people in the class actually work as actors and go on auditions constantly and book jobs.....and they really aren't good. lol. I'm really one of the top 5 in the class. It makes me feel good about myself that I don't have any experience, haven't acted in years, and I'm kicking these peoples' butts. Maybe I'll make it after all. I'm learning so much and I really like being in the swing of things again.

I got to film a project with my Reveille friends this past weekend which was super fun. JD and I vowed a while ago that we were going to make projects together, so this is just the start. It was a great time.

I finally balled up and talked to Howard about helping me find a manager. He's been really great about it considering he's Howard. And probably because I see him at Soho House all the time to bother him about it. :) He is going to make some calls for me, he wants me to gather a list of people that I want him to call that would possibly meet with me and be interested in me. Tonight at work he introduced me to this dude who is involved with Generate Management in LA. They rep a lot of comedians. The dude and I exchanged email addresses and he gave me his direct line. He was very interested and Howard talked me up. I googled the company later and found out I had just met the CEO. Ha. So, I'll shoot him an email tomorrow I guess. Exciting!

Soho is still boring me to death, but at least I get to see and talk to cool people. I met Jennifer Anniston tonight, and while we didn't talk about anything significant, I still got to TALK to her. Pretty cool. And lots of others too. I saw Sting, talked to Bret Easton Ellis for a bit. Sarah Silverman and I joke together all the time, and Mindy Kaling and I had a moment the other day. Pretty amazing. I can't let it become mundane and everyday, ya know? I'm trying to be grateful and remember how much the me now wouldn't have believed me last year. I try to forgot how bored I am, how fat I am compared to all the other girls who walk in here, how much my feet hurt, how much money I don't have...and all these other bad thoughts.

Mark had to pay for the majority of my expensives at the beginning of this month. Kind of embarrassing and I feel bad, but I literally couldn't afford it. Sucks, but I'm so so grateful he's here and willing to help me. Thank GOD.

We started a new bi-weekly Bible study with some people from Florida who live out here. We met them through some kids we worked at camp with for a few years. It's really nice to sit in a room with people who share some common bonds and look around and see all the flip flops and talk about Steak N Shake. :) Mark has more time than me to go to church these days. I'm usually working or doing something else on Sundays, but he manages to go often and is getting involved. He talked to some of the leaders last Sunday about helping out with the high schoolers. He's so good at that.

The gym is going..eh..okay. I've had a trainer for almost 3 months now, and I haven't seen any significant changes. A little tighter, but now all my clothes are tight. I'm not doing it right apparently. I have to be better about doing cardio in between sessions, so I'm going to work on that this month and see what changes. I've been trying to eat less too. I already eat pretty healthy, I just eat A LOT. :) I'm going to work on portion control too.

Gina wrapped this season of Ellen yesterday and left this morning to go home to Chicago to visit for a whole month since she's on hiatus now. Lucky! I'll miss her, but it's kind of fun to have the house to myself. I'm contemplating putting an ad on craigslist to see if anyone needs a place for the next 20 or so days haha. Nah. But its tempting.

Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T09:19:00.001-07:00

My mom is the best. I know everyone says that about their moms, but, I'm sorry, you apparently haven't met mine. She's sincere, sassy, classy, strong, isn't afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve, invested, educated and independent. As I get older I realize she exudes all the good qualities I strive to have. Its true that you never stop growing up. I've gotten to witness the ways she's grown as a person in the last few years, and I'm so proud of her. She has been through a lot in her 39 years (haha) and she continues to perservere and get stronger, more compassionate, and just plain awesome (which I don't know how that's possible because she has always been the greatest).

At this time in my life, I am overwhelmed by her willingness to just be there for me. I take that for granted. I just recentled discovered that that's the quality I need the most, yet I don't even think about it, and I'm sorry for that. She has always been there for me WHENEVER, and will drop everything. I have never not been able to get a hold of her, or not get her love or encouragement. She has abounding energy for me. Its literally unbelieveable. She never grows weary or tired of me or my sisters' dumbness. She never wants to "get away" from us, I don't recall ever hearing her say or insinuating that she "doesn't have time" for something we need or want. She will spend her last dime and the only free minute of her day to make us happy and healthy.

So, to my mommy on this day and always, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for what you have taught me, the ways you've helped me, your encouragement and your stubbornness, your completely unconditional love, and for always being there. I realize more and more everyday how your sacrifices and love have shaped who I've become and who I've becoming, and I'm so grateful to have a mommy who's not only loving, kind and a good listener (among many other things), but a really great friend. I hope you know how much you are loved. I am so proud of the person I am, and I owe it completely to you.

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!

Jitters

2010-05-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

I have been having such awful anxiety for the last few weeks. Its not my normal, random anxiety attacks, its ALL THE TIME. I wake up with the jitters and the worries. I can't fall asleep. My body is so exhausted, but my mind feels like it needs to run 45 miles to get the energy out. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. All last week I cried my face off to Glee and Idol Gives Back.

I just traveled to Florida to visit my family for a few days, and it was really nice. I finally got used to the weather on my way to the airport to come back to LA. I didn't get any sleep, but the few hours I was there were relaxing. I didn't have to work which was a nice reprieve. I went to church, the beach, and got to spend a few hours on a yoga retreat. I ate some good food and got to laugh with my sisters. I didn't get to see much of my daddy or my best friend though. :( Next time I guess.

Spoke with some dude two weeks back about him being my manager. He was very convincing, said all the right things, and seemed very legit. No red flags whatsoever. I spoke with some of my other friends about the meeting just to bounce off some ideas and they all told me to go for it. The way it works obviously, is that I don't pay anyone for any type of representation unless I'm getting jobs through them. In other words, they work on commission. Good thing, because I sent this guy all the shit he asked for from me (not that much work on my part honestly; he wanted my other headshots and a short email about my career goals) and I never heard from him again. Weird. He was like, practically begging me to be his client. Whatever. Onto the next one. I'm working on sending out a mass mailing to some management companies I've been researching so hopefully at least a few bites will come from that.

Work has been quite the bore. I don't really like it all that much, and the dayshifts are so slow I want to rip my eyes out. I wish I could sit down, or be on the computer, or SOMETHING. But management are out of their minds and literally want us to just stand here. They don't want us checking our email, eating a snack, drinking anything other than water, or leaving our "post" even to go to the bathroom. So, I'm on my feet for 8 hours straight, and I just stare into space or smile at members. Or if I'm feeling bold, I just do what I want and discreetly eat a granola bar or post on my blog (whoopsies). It's the worst. Night shifts are a bit better because they are fast paced and I get to see cool people.

I need something to take up my time other than work. At least I'm not there all that much. I'm currently still trying to find a 401 class that fits my schedule. I'm nervous to take it without JD, and its been a while since I've finished 301, but the longer I wait the more anxious I get about it, so I have to just DO IT.

The weather is finally starting to get nice here. Hopefully all this work at the gym will pay off soon. Its been almost a month and I don't see any real results yet. Probably because I need to balance it with my diet (whoopsies again).

I have an appointment at the Santa Monica Wellness Center next week to see about what's going wrong with my stupid body. No crazy breakouts as of this month, but some other crap has been going on, so I really need to have someone check me out and see what's out of balance, and I refuse to go to another western practicing doctor.

What a weird, downer post, huh? Well, on a lighter note, summer is starting and I can't wait for camp and Rachel's wedding. Mark and I are trying to plan a trip for our 6 year anniversary in June. I'm thinking somewhere close to the coast down south. Capistrano? Around there. Just for a weekend.

And that's about it for now. I'll catch you up soon. Oh, and I got to see Dr. Dre last night. :)

Wowwy WOW

2010-04-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

I. Am. So. Sorry.

American Idol is now down to the top 6. I'm so embarrassed that its been that long since I've posted anything. I'm a slightly bit more embarrassed at the fact that I'm judging my life timeline by what episode American Idol is on.

So. I work at Soho House. I had big aspirations for this place. I still do. Its just slow moving, and not at ALL like I expected. Reveille was kind of a tease, and a whole 'nother world for me. Coming to SH, I'm finally seeing the superficial, backstabing, brown-nosing, dramatic side of Hollywood, which I guess I needed to see eventually. I miss Reveille sometimes. Management knew what they were doing like they wrote the book, every single person was so sweet and kind, we all had a job to do and knew how to do it, and we didn't give a flying poop about who you were, who you you knew, what your job was, we are going to treat you the SAME as everyone else. Reveille just GOT it. Here...well...wow. Its a shit show. The management doesn't know how to manage. They don't know how to talk to their employees properly, we never get any encouragement, and they are constantly running around like a chicken with their heads cut off because none of them have a sense of security in their position. Its terrible. They are all so dramatic and up the members' butts.

Soho House is a members only club, lounge and restaurant. Its actually a pretty great concept. People come with their laptops at 9am, do all their work here, take their meetings, and stay until their dinner reservation at 7 or 8 with their family or friends. The food is amazing, the cocktails are TOP NOTCH, and the atmosphere and view is breathtaking. (I'm not allowed to take pictures but I have some on my iPhone if you'd ever like to see what it looks like, shhhh!) Its just a really chill place that can be a venue for so many things. We have private parties, pre screenings, premiere parties, but then we also have backgammon night, Mother's Day brunch, and Kid's Club. Its very ecclectic; a novel concept, I just wish the people running it were more personable, knowledgeable, and humble toward the members. We have a LOT of celebrity clientelle, and I've heard some of them complain about how "up their butt" the membership team is. Whoopsies.

My schedule is pretty good. I like to have a mixture of working nights and days, especially right now because I don't have much going on, so I'm okay being on the schedule whenever. My bank account has taken a SERIOUS dive, but I'm still doing okay on money, and I'm doing my best to be as frugal as possible (nope, that's a lie).

This month I've been trying to jump start my career. Because 1) that's what I'm here to do, and 2) I need the supplemental income. :) I have a new acting coach, Lesly Kahn, who is one of the best in the business. I took an auditioning technique class with her, and it was incredible. The vibe reminded me a lot of my days with Peter Sklar. Very relaxed, fun people, and its one on one feedback not just about your talent, but about marketing yourself. Her classes are in this really big house in Hollywood, and you come in, take off your shoes, and relax in one of the big "classrooms" which are really just big spaces with rugs, pillows and couches. There's a kitchen stocked with all these healthy snacks for us, and Lesly is super fun, so sometimes she'll get us treats like doughnuts or cookies. If we're good and she likes us. :) VERY much like my Beginnings sessions with Peter in New York. Makes me nostalgic for those times. I've signed up for a three week intensive with her and her staff at the beginning of June. She likes me a lot, and I'm excited to get training again, and get the passion back. I miss being in practice, and its made me rusty, and super self-conscious.

I finished my UCB 301 last month! I've been looking for a convenient 401 class to take. After 401...I graduate. Can you believe it? I'll be considered a legit improviser. Its getting more difficult as the classes go on, but I'm definitely getting better and its getting more fun. I've gotten a lot of my friends to sign up too, and they're having a ball. I have to get in a 401 before I lose momentum.

Last month it was announced that Glee was having an open casting on myspace.com for some new roles on the show. Now, me being the skeptic actor, and someone who's been immersed in television legal documents for the last year knows what this "casting" is all about. Its a marketing campaign. They guarantee you a "role" (aka, you are student #3, and your 15 seconds of fame is Sue Sylvester throwing you up against a wall), or more specifically they guarantee if you are "chosen" by the casting staff you will be contacted for further info. Yeah. This is all a giant marketing ploy to get myspace's popularity back up, and to draw people into the new season of Glee. I get it. It's not a huge deal if you post a serious video and have your friends rate it. But, that's why I have friends in high places. My good friend David works for FOX and talks to Glee executives a lot. He told me last night as we were filming my tape that Glee is looking for 6 new cast members: a gay boyfriend for Kurt, a really good black dude, and the rest girls. So, I guess my skepticism isn't all warranted. They are really looking for people. But whether that's through myspace, or actual backdoor agency castings...that's the real story. Another hook up is my accompanist. He gave me the info to the actual casting office of the agency who casts for Glee (we found it on imdb.com and then he did a bit more research) and I'm going to personally drop off my headshot, resume, and film to their office. So hopefully that will be helpful as well. I filmed my video last night. My wonderful friends Jesse and David helped me, and it was really fun. I haven't sang (I mean, full out, stage-level sang) in FIVE YEARS. How sad. At the accompanist on Tuesday, I sang through the song about 4 times full force, and my lungs and voice were SO tired. Last night, I did it full force 3 times, and I hurt. :( I gotta get back into it. But, the video's done, Jesse is tweaking it and editing it, and I should get it up shortly. If I like it, I'll post the link.

Today I meet with this dude Rod about possibly being managed by him. I met him through a friend at Reveille, and he is pretty legit. We'll see what he has to say. This is already the longest blot post ever, so I'll catch you up on all my management meetings in the next one. I promise to not let so much time pass in between.

And I go home to Florida for a few days next weekend!!

American Idol Season 9: DALLAS and DENVER

2010-02-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

I stayed up until about 2am on Sunday night finally finishing the Dallas and Denver episodes.

Welp, nothing too exciting in either of the D-Towns this time around.

In Dallas, there was creepy Barney girl, who went all Britney/Christina on the judges and wanted to show how she sexily rebelled against her childhood. Snooze and sleeze fest. She wasn't that good either. She'll be gone quickly in Hollywood week hopefully.

How adorable was Todrick? Once he said he was touring with the Color Purple, I knew he had to be good, and he even made up the most clever original song about the judges and AI. Very nice. He is the epitome of the "perfect pick" to go through to Hollywood: creative, good vocals, good stage presence, humble and sane.

I am really growing to love Victoria Beckham. I saw her on Ellen, and she was very quiet, but such a doll, and then to see her on all these eps of American Idol, she is so endearing and such a sweetheart! She was the guest judge yet again in Denver.

Mark Labriolla tried to convince us that people mistake him for Jack Black. Um. #1, you don't look anything like him besides that you're overweight, and #2, you try to make every maneurism mimic Jack Black. TRYING to be Jack Black doesn't make you him darling. Annoying.

Kimberly Kerbow sang Ingrid Michaelson (good song choice). She has a very sweet voice, and deserved to go through, but was OBVIOUSLY wearing a wig. Very odd. And NO one said anything about it to her face. The judges finally briefly commented on it after she left the room. They made a whole storyline out of her singing the Rogaine line of the Ingrid song directly to Simon, who became defensive and a bit offended. Rogaine? Wig? Ironic?

Danielle Hayes blew me out of the water with her Melissa Ethridge rendition. She has such passion and I appreciate her candidness. I think I use the same judging criteria as Kara for a lot of these kids. If you've gone through some shit, your voice is going to be so passionate and moving, and she was exactly those things.

Casey James did nothing for me. He wasn't hot, and was an okay singer. Where's all the hot guys American Idol??

Did Nikki Nix remind anyone else of Tatiana from last season, minus the annoying laugh?

Haeley Vaughn is SO sweet and has a firm grasp on how to be competitive. She knows she wants to be one of the first black, pop/country stars. A great goal, and she has a great voice. A real stand out.

Danielle and Haeley were my definite two favorites out of the D-Towners. Links to their auditions below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5H-kQSJcOM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWoAgATSwK8

Give A Care

2010-02-06T02:26:00.000-08:00

Here's an interesting thought that crossed my mind tonight: Does one live longer by caring, or by not giving a care?

I have actually been battling with this question for a long time without realizing it. It comes with being existentially anxious, so I learn to cope with this control mechanism of "caring" on a daily basis. Is that all that caring is? A way to isolate something so that you can control it yourself, and rationalize it? Let me explain: I care about people in my life. A lot. And tonight, it finally occured to me, maybe I care too much.

I once read in one of my psychology books during undergrad that people who don't have children are happier people. They are generally healthier, are more successful in their careers, and have less stress, which leads to a longer life and ultimately, a more constant happy state. Parents on the other hand, are less happy, but feel like they are contributing to the world. A parent will tell you that having their child(ren) was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to them, but I think that's just an excuse for the fact that you might as well like it because you can't get out of it now, and while yes, you can find joy in your child, you'll never know how happy you could've been without them. (There is a point to this I promise.)

I think deep down everyone has goals for themselves. You voice those goals to people you trust, sometimes work towards them, and ask people to hold you accountable in one way or another. When you fall off track, it hurts me on a deep level. I invest time in you. I talk to you whenever you want to talk, I encourage you, I am kind and patient, I laugh at your mistakes and your downfalls because I hope that you will learn and understand from them, I am there for you at all times to lend an ear, to help you, to finance you; I invest my time. Not for my own gain, but because you tell me you want to achieve these things over and over again, and that you want to work toward them, and sometimes you do, and then all of the sudden, all the work comes crashing down, and I'm just supposed to watch it happen and be okay with it because its "not my life?" Well, it is my life. Because you're my friend. And I put my emotions and effort into you, your well being, and your goals in life. When you fail, I fail. I understand people stumble, but when you blatently don't give a shit, and are an obviously strong enough person to accomplish said goals but choose to embarrass yourself and let yourself down, should I stand for that over and over again? How many times can one person talk all this talk, put in around 53% of the effort, be an idiot, and I'm supposed to just start all over again? What if I don't feel like it because it hurts? Do I care too much?

There are a few friends that I have where I see the potential in them, but I don't let myself get involved because I know they aren't trying to better themselves, are happy with who they are, and aren't asking for the "help". Not saying I friend people because they are in need of help, I'm just saying, there are those friends that you know are set in their ways, and you are fine with that. You are friends, you are close with them, but you love them for who they are because they know who they are. I guess I should just approach every friendship in that way. Tell people I don't want to hear what their expectations in life are because its going to piss me off when they ignore them.

I carry the burden of all this on my shoulders because I put a tiny bit of the blame on myself everytime you don't give a shit. That's probably my fault, and I'd probably have less stress in my life if I didn't care. But how do you just NOT care? That's impossible, and kind of rude. How do you tell your friend, "You know what, don't ask me to pray for you, or to help you get your priorities in line, or help you in this endeavor at all. Don't expound on the process of how you're going to get there and how much happier you'll be once you do, because I know you will only let me down and I don't want to put in all the 'help' you ask from me and be made a mockery of." How do you ever have close friends if you don't care, but how do you not hurt yourself in the process? How many times do you have to go through the cycle until you decide that your heart can't handle it?

Would my life be better, and could I possibly tack on a handful of years by not getting so involved? Probably. Would I have any close friends or children? No. But is it worth all the pain and stress? I haven't figured that out yet.

Life Update

2010-02-05T11:54:00.000-08:00

I will get back to blogging about American Idol soon kids. I know, I'm like a week and a half behind, but things have been crazy around here. This is going to be a long one...

First of all, my roommate Gina and I had a terrific housewarming party last weekend! If you asked us the afternoon before, and even in the thick of the party, we would've told you we were about 82% sure we would be served an eviction notice in the following week because of the shindig. We invited about 50 people, 25 of which rsvp'd "yes", and then 40 of which actually showed up. It was loud, and crowded, but very fun. We had tons of food, cranked the music to 100, and mingled. It was great. And everyone was gone by midnight. Perfect.

The big news of my life is that I am leaving Reveille. Yes. The day has finally come, I didn't forget the promise I made to myself. I was offered a job at the new Soho House that is opening at the beginning of March on Sunset. If you don't know about Soho House, you can get some info at sohohouse.com, and read about each individual house, or just google "Soho House". I will be working 30 hours (tops) a week there, either the breakfast, lunch, or dinner shift, being paid $14 an hour. I will be a part of guest services, pretty much a personal assistant to each member for the duration of their visit there, whether for a meeting, or for a meal, or just hanging out. A true blessing. A respectable, fun, classy job, that pays well, and has the hours I need to pursue what I'd like to actually pursue. Everyone at Reveille, especially Jeff, is really excited and happy for me. One of the best parts is that a few of my executives are members of Soho House, so I'll still be seeing them on a regular basis. I told Jeff last night that I will be starting at SH on February 17th, which means I have two weeks of full time here, and then I'll be back periodically until the end of February wrapping stuff up and training someone new when I can. Which will be perfect.

I'm really excited about my new opportunity and my new found time. :) I'm also really scared. I don't have an excuse anymore for not auditioning and putting myself out there. Before it was that I had a 60+ hour a week job, and I was tired at night, and had to catch up on life on the weekends. Now, I'll be a bit poorer, but I'll finally have the freedom to get the ball rolling. We'll see what happens.

I am going to miss my Reveille life so much. I don't know anything else but them. They were here for me when I had no one else. They have literally become my family. I moved here with nothing and no one, and they took me in, took a chance on me, welcomed me and loved me like I never thought anyone here in LA ever would. They have taken such good care of me, on so many different levels. I have never been more grateful for an opportunity in my life, and talking to Jeff last night about leaving, I started to cry.

Jeff and I are usually the last ones in the office. Everyone goes home around 7 or 8, but him and I are still here, plugging away, and in his worst times of procrastination and/or ADD, he'll come up to my desk, or I'll go back there, and we'll shoot the shit. Last night, I sat on that couch in his office for probably our last "life" talk. He was nothing but supportive, as always. I explained to him that this was probably the last thing he needed right now with how busy we all are, especially him, but I got another opportunity that would be best suited for what I want to pursue. We talked about it for a while, and it was a lot less scary once I got talking. I was so worked up all day, scared about how he might react, and I really think the grace of God was in that room when we talked. We had a pretty solid conversation about the new position and the possibilities, and then he started to talk about this past year and the my waterworks began. He told me that he couldn't have picked someone better to grow with and to teach, and that I should be extremely proud of myself for coming straight out of undergrad to LA and into the thick of it all and doing a better job than most. He was so proud of me, and he wants me to follow my dreams, and knows without a doubt that I'm going to do great things. He also wanted to make sure that my parents knew and approved. He said, "Okay, wait, do I need to call Norm and Val?"

I do not like my job. I love my company, my boss treats me well and takes care of me like family, but I don't like my job. Its boring, its not what I want to be doing in the slightest. Mostly, the hours are so extreme that it wears on me emotionally and mentally that I don't have time to do what I really want to do, which makes me hate it for a whole other reason. Jeff agreed with me that staying here is just going to stagnate me. If I really want to do this "acting thing" as he called it, I need to get out there and see what happens. When we talked before the holidays about where I want to go, what I was contemplating about my career, etc. He offered to give me a few random afternoons to audition. As long as I told him in advance and was sure to only take a few hours. He had no idea how it worked. Its not like a dentist appointment. I can't guarantee its going to be a certain number of hours, I can't even guarantee I can tell you a day in advance. But, he told me that after we talked, he spoke to an agent friend of his who gave him a reality check on how time consuming it actually is to pursue an acting career, and that's when he knew he had to let me go.

It was just a blessing that we could have a conversation about me moving on and be on the same page. He didn't try to bribe me to stay, he didn't try to talk me out of it, or make me feel stupid for taking advantage of a "lesser" opportunity. I stayed late last night, after Jeff went to his dinner appointment, and hung out with some of my friends around here. We sat around, ate sushi, talked about our jobs and our dreams and our opportunities. They congratulated me and just loved on me. Its going to be so hard to leave them. My family. Alex, JD and Chris coached me all day on what to say to Jeff and literally would stop what they were doing to take me aside and console me before my "big talk". Alex stayed later to make sure that it went okay, and she even helped me practice what to say beforehand. This whole week she has checked on me every few hours to see how I was doing, if I had heard from my new employers, how I was feeling about it all, etc. The loves of my life. I can't believe I was given the opportunity to be with these people, and to call them my friends. I can't believe they let me work here. I can't believe I got placed at one of the most upward moving, caring, companies in LA. I hear horror stories of other jobs and other employers around this town, and when I mention to someone that I work for Reveille, they go on and on about how lucky I am to work for "such a great company". I'm truly blessed. And I know I can always come back and have a place here. Not necessarily to work (I mean, if I ever wanted to, I probably could come back for that) but if I ever want to come visit, I'll be welcomed with open arms.

So, I guess you will never have to hear me bitch about my desk job ever again. :) I hope this new opportunity proves to be as helpful and promising as it seems to be. By the way, I got to pick out my uniforms yesterday morning and they are BALLER. They are all made by Keiss out of the UK, and I got to mix and match a whole rack of clothes and they're ordering my sizes. I felt like Lauren Conrad. :) My training starts the 17th, and then the opening is March 1st. They aren't open to their members for the first two weeks, because its reserved for private Golden Globe parties only. You heard me. This is going to be a legit job. And this is going to be a legit 2010.

American Idol Season 9: LA

2010-01-31T17:07:00.001-08:00

Whoa, sorry I'm a bit late on these posts. It's been a topsy turvy week.

Listen kids. Let me give you a little advice. An audition for American Idol is about four things: 1) Likeability. Are you someone that the nation can relate to/root for/like as a person? 2) Looks. You have to know who you are. Are you the sexy one? Are you the artsy one? Are you the family man, the blue collar guy, the homegrown guy? You need to make sure they know WHO you are. 3) Song choice. Once again, you need to know who you are. Pick an awesome song that not many others would pick, that is easy to sing under pressure, that you sing WELL, and that shows what kind of artist you imagine yourself as. 4) You NEED to have a story. This is the hard part. If you are a normal kid from O-Town who leads a pretty normal life (me) you aren't going to make it to the judges. You need to find something that makes your journey unique.

Can I please just preface my city's auditions by saying, Los Angeles, although sometimes wacky, is NOT as trashy, weird, or flamboyantly gay as they portrayed on Idol this past week. Rediculous. But, Andrew Garcia was the stand out of the whole two days. Right when he walked in with those emo glasses and a neck tat, I knew he would be the one to blow everyone else I've seen so far this season out of the water. Incredible. The family segment of his interview was adorable, and how FREAKIN legit was his dad?! Did you get a looksee at those gang tats?? Holy s-h.

Um. Mary Powers. Terrible. I do NOT know why she was allowed into Hollywood week. She sang a cop out song (a good song, but an easy song) and had the most awkward stage presence of anyone I've ever seen. Simon thankfully called her out on her hideous and faux "rocker" impersonation. It looked like she just stepped out of a angsty 15 year old's closet who works part time at Hot Topic. She'll be gone pretty quick hopefully.

Annnddd, then there was Chris. Creepy Chris, who was seriously and obviously channeling Justin Guarini. I mean, bless his heart, he has had a rough road, but it seemed all that got him through was his story because his vocals definitely didn't shine. I'm surprised no one mentioned the blatant Justin Guarini resemblance.

Its always very awkward when ugly people try to be overly sexual. I found myself dry heaving numerous times within the 7 minutes of Jason Greene's "audition", if you could call it that. So uncomfortable and disgusting. I just wanted it to be over.

I tried to hold it in, but here comes the rage: DO NOT TRY TO BE ADAM LAMBERT, PEOPLE. I was LITERALLY standing yelling at the tv during the segment of "Adam Lambert wannabes". That's exactly what they were, wannabes, not even close to his talent. Then, AJ Mendoza, had the balls and audacity to say that he sent his demo to Adam and "Adam had nothing but fantastic things to say about my voice." Bullshit AJ. He was being nice to you. You sucked. Don't try to be my boy. Ever. You will never be as good.

Please watch Andrew and cry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1f0_YyxpDYI&feature=player_embedded Put on a diaper starting at 2:04 because you WILL be peeing yourself.

And please watch AJ Mendoza and puke. If I ever see him on the streets around here, I'll probably laugh in his face. What a jerk. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3bAKwky85w

And then watch my Adam's audition. :) I'm glad someone helped him with his breathing once he started performing on the show. Don't let Paula's hat distract you from his vocals. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHN51MtHDTI

American Idol: Season 9 CHICAGO and ORLANDO

2010-01-22T17:11:00.000-08:00

I'm melding these two cities together because there really wasn't that much excitement between the two of them. They both are great cities, and are always promising, but alas, nothing earth shattering.

Chicago, I can't even remember what happened there it was so uneventful. I remember a montage of a lot of people pissed off towards the camera for not getting chosen, and the golden tickets were slim.

In Orlando, I was hoping to see people that I knew!! :( None. Maybe next season, right guys? (We always say that, don't we?). But, there were a few stand outs. I liked the story of the guy with the autistic son, even if it did seem like they were stretching for a story and putting the little boy in an awkward situation. The dude had a good voice though, and a great heart. The last audition of day 2 was my favorite. His story was a bit lame ("I did 4 years in jail for robbing a bank with a bb gun." Really??!) but the minute he busted out that Ray LaMontagne, I melted. What a great song to choose, and he sounded great. If he keeps those kinds of tunes up, like Kara said, he'll go to the top 12 for sure.

This coming week is Los Angeles, at the Rose Bowl. Grr. I should've taken off that day and went. I hope there's some good people! Adam Lambert came from the LA audition last year. :)

American Idol: Season 9 ATLANTA

2010-01-14T18:18:00.000-08:00

Welp, last night was Hotlanta. I went to Atlanta once. Downtown Atlanta is the scariest place I've ever been in my life. I have walked around downtown Los Angeles in a mini skirt at 1am, I have roamed the streets of New York City as a 15 year old, yet I have never been more scared than I was visiting the ATL just a few years ago. Its dirty, trashy, there were tons of alleys and crevaces to get lost in, and the only halfway presentable place was the Olympic centennial park. I don't want to know what that city looked like before the Olympics graciously celebrated there.

I was pretty excited about the Atlanta auditions. One of my favorite artists of all time, Mary J Blige, was the guest judge, and I was ready for some awesome soul singing. I conveniently forgot that the Atlanta regional auditions also mean all the country folk from the surrounding states hitch up their wagons and come to sing Loretta Lynn and Garth Brooks.

There was one INCREDIBLE R&B singer. His look reminded me of Pharrell, but he sang like Usher meets John Legend, Brian McKnight, or one of Usher's more mature counterparts. I'll be rooting for him for sure.

Then, there was precious Vanessa from Vanore. She sang one of my favorite songs of all time, "Wagonwheel" by Old Crow Medicine Show, and was SO completely nervous. If you didn't get to see her, please youtube her audition and her interview. She has a very distinct voice, not necessarily great, but she has an amazing story; someone you really want to root for. I cried when they told her she was going to Hollywood. I'm excited to see how she'll transform.

Unless you've been living under a rock today, I'm sure you've heard about the General. He was obviously too old to audition, but the crew and Ryan ended up loving him and invited him to sing his song for the judges. Youtube "Pants on the ground" and prepare to see Mary J laugh more than you've ever seen a black woman laugh in your life.

Now, I love the my Blige, but why the long face, girl? She looked so extremely bored during ALL of the auditions. I think she was disappointed because she had the same expectation for Atlanta I did: R&B/hip hop voices!

There were many more good ones in Atlanta than Boston. Some were downright great. That police officer towards the end? He reminds me a bit of Michael Carver, but better. And not as scary looking.

American Idol: Season 9 BOSTON

2010-01-13T18:27:00.000-08:00

Oh boy. Its that time of year again. American Idol season is like freakin Christmas in my eyes. I was BLASTING Adam Lambert in the car yesterday night as a kick off in honor of this momentus season. I know I'm one night late, but I was contemplating if I really should create a sounding board for myself this season. I always say I will and then never do, and as the seasons go on, I wish I had some place to voice my emotions. Yesterday, after I freaked out to my boyfriend about open call Glee auditions, (and proceeded to sing him my whole repertoire) he mentioned during the show that he liked to hear my critique of the people and the show. That may have been a good thing to say, or a bad thing. But its a good excuse, so, on that note, now I will begin the tradition.

I'm a bit worried about this season. I feel like the American Idol run is coming to a close, and I need to take it all in. With the departure of Paula, and the imminent departure of Simon, I fear this may be the last good season. We shall see. In the mean time, I stay glued to my dvr.

Its only been one audition city and I've already seen the most adorable Irishman that I'm going to swoon after all season. His name is Luke. He has red hair and the most perfect, dainty, Irish slant nose you've ever seen. Not the best vocals ever, but he has this alternative vibe going on. He's my American Idol so far.

They decided to litter this first audition episode in Boston with both heartwarming and cliche stories of trying moments in people's lives. There was one dude who battled cancer, there was one girl who was 1 of 9 children, 3 of whom are Down's boys (adorable). And then, there were the stories that they were fishing for: The 16 year old who is "really really close" to her alzheimers grandma. Who has a voice that we've all heard before. The 16 year old who sounds like LeighAnn Rimes. ZZzzz. Boring. Been there, done that, time for a new breed. And I'm sick of the black girls who sound like all the typical gospel singing, Jennifer Hudson worshipping black girls. Where are the Lauren Hills or the Corine Bailey Raes? Come on people.

And of course, my least favorite part of the show, all the rejects. I feel so bad for those people. Plus, they take up the minutes that I could be watching all the people who ACTUALLY got a ticket to Hollywood! At the end of every audition episode Ryan always says, "and {insert number} hopefuls get their golden ticket to Hollywood" and they flash through everyone yelling, jumping and crying for 15 seconds, and half of them you didn't see audition at all. Instead I had to watch some serious Bostonian ("wicked awesome") with a short shirt and ugly gut try to sing Pocket Full of Sunshine.

There weren't very many stand outs to me in Boston. Besides Ginger Luke. The girl with 3 Down's Syndrome brothers was sweet, but not an amazing voice. There was one girl who was REALLY good (wearing glasses, shorter, wavy hair) but they didn't show a lot of her audition! Ugh. I can't wait until Hollywood week where the emphasis is talent. And can I be frank for a second? That serial killer dude with the hipster glasses was actually, really good. Too bad he was a complete dick.

I will be blogging every episode! Stay tuned.

Eff with my lunch, you eff with YOUR LIFE.

2009-12-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

An open letter to the person who took the golf cart for over an hour during lunch:

Dear Golf Cart Hog,

First off, let me start by saying, I don't know who you are. I don't know your status within the Reveille family. You could be one of the managing directors, you could be Liz Murdoch herself. Let me also state, that I don't give a care.

In case you are either an intern, a newbie, or brain-dead, let me refresh your memory of our bungalow situation. Due to cutbacks that were never explained to us, NBC Universal has now limited us to one golf cart for 4 bungalows. I know, its preposterous. We sent out many company wide emails when this new downgrade was implemented, all of them clearly addressing the need to "restrict your golf cart use to reasonable time increments", "only use the golf cart when necessary", "let others know when you are taking the golf cart" and, most importantly "do NOT keep the golf cart for a long amount of time, especially during high volume hours, i.e. lunch time".

Golf Cart Hog, are you too good for multiple memos from Mr. Head of Worldwide Business and Operations himself, the omnipotent and just Lee Rierson? Shame on you. I didn't come into work today with a low grade fever, fuzzy sore throat and cramps to take your golf cart stealing bullshit.

Who is your boss GCH? Hmm? Who are they? Do you have to tolerate their "jokes"? Does their office continuously smell like farts and ketchup? Do they eat apples like they are making out with their sixth grade girlfriend? Do you have to tolerate their incessant talk about how they reached their burn on the stairmaster EVERY morning? I LIVE for my thirteen minutes of lunch, okay? The few sunny minutes of my day spent feeling the cool breeze through my hair as I leave my fake laughter and feigned interest behind, sailing on the golf cart and laughing with my friends. For those few moments, I'm no longer "Jeff Friedman's Office", I'm alive. And hungry. All morning I gaze longingly at the commissary menu, wondering what the "california chicken" is made of; wondering if the "split pea soup" has ham in it.

I can't remember a time I was as excited as I was this morning. The new menu had just been posted. Monday: Beef Mac and Cheese. BEEF MAC AND CHEESE YOU ASSHOLE. And because some selfish bastard commandeered the golf cart for the majority of lunch, I was not able to experience it.

Listen, and listen good GCH: If I find you, I will punch your teeth out.

Hope you enjoyed your lunch, fucker.

Ashley Walker
Office of Jeff Friedman

So Live Your Life, ay ay, ay ay, ay ay

2009-11-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

I don't really know how to handle it when people make excuses. I don't mean, "oh, I can't go to your birthday party because I have to water my fish", I mean the big ones. The excuses that affect peoples' lives and attitudes on a daily basis.

I understand what excuses are: the human's natural reflex to fear. We make excuses because we are scared and/or don't want to be uncomfortable. We all make them. Everytime I pass that crazy homeless man on the corner of Alvarado Ave. I make excuses. Everytime I have to get up early in the morning, I make excuses. My question is, why can't we be productive with that fear? When it comes to MY happiness, and MY success in life, I refuse to let fear control my life, and it makes me really frustrated when others around me make excuses as to why they can't be happy or why they can't have the life they always wanted.

Sure, I'm not a fan of my job. Everyone knows that. But I have plans. I've come to the firm belief that nothing in my life at this moment (my current job, my current and potential financial situations) is as sad, depressing and terrible as not reaching my ultimate goals in life. And what's weird, is that while I currently fear I will be broke, lose friends, and ultimately fail at reaching my goals, I simultaneously have a deeper fear that I am losing time, which fuels me to get past the other fears. So I press on and continue to live everyday with hope and positivity, because, honestly, if your job sucks, you have $2 in your pocket, and $14,000 worth of credit card debt, what else can you do but be happy? What other option is there? Hell if I lay down and die, and HELL if I have people pity me.

If you want change in your life, YOU need to make it, and its not going to come easy. You need patience, self control, focus, and fear. You NEED fear to motivate you to make that change; fear of compromise, fear of complacency, and fear of not being who you always thought you'd be. That fear will help you stay patient, controlled, and focused. The fear that haunts me the most is "What if I look back 15 years from now and I'm not happy with my life?" If I get off my lazy, complacent ass and make the strides to get where I want to be and really work towards true happiness and passion, I highly doubt I'm going to look back on my life later and think, "Gee, I really regret being broke for those 6 years" or "I'm never going to get over the fact I have lots of debt". Things start to look less and less threatening when you prioritize.

With all that said, California's employment rate hit 10.2% yesterday, and I'm leaving my job in the beginning of the year. Am I scared? Eh, sure. Am I worried about making ends meet? Definitely. But you know what I'm more afraid of? Being unhappy and missing my chance at loving my life. So, eff you economy. You can't scare me, or hold me back. I have God on my side, and I will FIGHT to the death to get what I want. If that means living in my car, so be it. If that means maxing out all my credit cards, well then, bring it on. We are lucky to be blessed, and even if you think you are "broke", or "not lucky in life", we live in America. You are lucky in life and you certainly are not poor. We all can afford to sacrifice. I honestly, can afford to sacrifice a lot, I just need to change my lifestyle. Again, while it would be hard, nothing is harder than the reality that I'm not where I want to be. I am willing to sacrifice if that means being happier in the long run. Now, I may be bold and a bit out of my mind, but I am not dumb. I'm not going to up and leave Reveille without a plan. I will have thing(s) lined up, but when I say I'm out of there at the start of 2010, I need to be out of there before February ends. So, I guess I'll be BUSTING my ass to get out of there. No excuses!!

Mr. Carter

2009-11-19T18:24:00.000-08:00

There is a man. Correction: he is more than a man; a Legend some might say. His name is Dwayne Carter Jr., aka Mr. Carter, aka Weezy, aka Lil Wayne. The Greatest Rapper alive.

A brave group of documentarians has made a two hour biopic about his life. They followed him around for 6 months and filmed everything. At the beginning of the process, they had Lil Wayne's blessing, but once it was all said and done and they showed him a screening of the first cut, he was not pleased and withdrew his support. That's how real that shit gets.

My bestie JD downloaded this masterpiece from iTunes and we are screening it tomorrow night at his house while enjoying some sizzurp. Well, not real sizzurp, because none of us have a prescription for codine. We are going to make raps and beats and listen to Lil Wayne until our ears bleed. We call this epic fest THA CARTER WEEKEND.

Sizzurp recipe for those who aren't from the streets:
2 liter of A&W root beer
1 small bottle liquid codine
1 small bottle robitussin

That mess will kill you. Apparently. I obviously do not take part in drugs, or mixing drugs for that matter, but to get the full effect of living the life of Lil Wayne, I'm going to probably drink some champagne. And pour some out for my lost homies. And take a swig of Robitussin because I'm feeling a bit of a sore throat and cough coming on anyway.

We have been talking, thinking, breathing Lil Wayne literally nonstop since we learned of this documentary. We already knew wholeheartedly Lil Wayne is the best rapper of our generation, and then to learn that there was a controversial film of his insane life out there for the world's watching, we automatically went into Weezy worship mode. My daily stream of consciousness for the last five days has been Lil Wayne lyrics, quotes from the first ten minutes of the documentary that we found leaked on youtube, and new freestyle lines that come to mind because of the constant Carter inspiration. Needless to say, its been the best five days of our lives, and tomorrow night is going to be the culmination of all things Lil Wayne and we could not be more excited. It will be like the Christmas morning of hip hop.

There will be pictures taken, and rap battles fought. Stay tuned. Here is a convo between me and JD, just a smudge of our pages and pages of dialogue regarding Lil Wayne. I found this one particularly amusing, following the best tweet I've ever made:

TWEET: ash412: tha carter weekend starts tomorrow. can we survive it? as weezy says, "matter of fact its gon kill me b*tch".

bubblesavd3 (6:21:16 PM): i just tweeted the most thug tweet of my life. it even shocked myself.
johnnybravo3dx (6:21:30 PM): i saw
johnnybravo3dx (6:21:34 PM): i almost threw up in excitement
bubblesavd3 (6:22:10 PM): i'm just reading it over and over like a heartfelt greeting card.
johnnybravo3dx (6:24:35 PM): i am so proud of you
bubblesavd3 (6:26:06 PM): i may or may not be writing a blog post right now completely dedicated to the carter weekend.
johnnybravo3dx (6:26:49 PM): haha
johnnybravo3dx (6:27:10 PM): since we're being real right now
johnnybravo3dx (6:27:12 PM): can I tell you deep down how badly i want to call someone a "bitch ass nigga" and mean it

I Heart Ellen

2009-11-10T15:50:00.000-08:00

If you know me at all, you know that I LOVE Ellen DeGeneres. I have loved her show from the beginning, and for the last 2 seasons (since I've discovered the wonderful world of the DVR) I haven't missed one single episode. She is everything I want to be in a person, and she is a tremendous and awesome influence on her audience, the entertainment industry, and the world.

Ellen has been having a busy TV season so far. Her issue of O Magazine comes out in 2 days, and she was just on Oprah's show to speak about the issue, her life, and how her and Oprah are now real life friends. :) I had the privilege of watching the interview via youtube today at work, and have a few observations.

1) Ellen and Portia have a beautiful relationship, and they fit each other so well. You can just tell by their body language and the way the speak to and about each other that their relationship is healthy and really really inspiring.

2) Oprah is a freaking force. I have never seen an episode of Oprah in my life. I watch some bits of interviews and I hear stories, but good Lord. The opening of the episode, Oprah walks out onto the stage and the first thing she does is open her arms out to the crowd in a "the hills are alive with the sound of music" style. The audience (middle aged women) go BONKERS. They are clapping in the air, jumping up and down, there is some serious energy like they are at a Tony Robbins convention. Its incredible.

3) She then goes on to conduct the interview in the most captivating way. She is just talking about random, kind of mundane things, but she brings out the most beautiful answers and says all the right things you can't help but think, "She is soooo right."

Go and watch the interview if you have the chance. Search Ellen on Oprah 9/9/09.

Update (Numero Dos)

2009-10-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

Life in the apartment saga has gotten a little better in the past week.

My roommate finally paid up, and our deposit checks were cut and sent out by our landlord.

Gina's parents came to visit this past weekend. Gina's Italian father had a very rude run-in with our landlord at the property when he was walking to our door. Our landlord ran up to him yelling "What are you doing here? Why are you on this property?" To that, he was able to answer something along the lines of, "Visiting my daughter. And why isn't anything done in their house EVER?" He proceeded to sternly question him about why our requests are never answered, and made sure our landlord didn't think he could take advantage of us girls because we were young, and he was going to make sure things got done. Right then and there our landlord came into our place and checked out everything we had been asking him to. While he didn't fix it, at least he was intimidated enough to act like he was going to get it done.

Our thermostat now works, and they installed ALL our fixtures (outside and inside). :) Thanks Mr. Siemplenski!!!

Update

2009-10-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

I figured I should update you on the happenings of the last week or so with my new living situation.

Newsflash: My landlord still sucks.
We sent him a list of things that need to get done in our place three weeks ago when we moved in, we have followed up twice, and finally I sent him a stern email to get them done asap (among some other terse choice words). It finally decided to rain in So Cal this past week (we have a "rainy season" which is from the first of October to the middle of November, then we don't see rain again for the whole year), so from Tuesday to late Wednesday night it was a steady, healthy rain. Perfect for the earth, horrible for my shoddy apartment. We don't have weather stripping on our front door. We have been asking for it since we moved in. Weather stripping is a necessity for any dwelling for many obvious reasons.
Our reasons include:
1) Blocking out the noise from our annoying Asian neighbors who have a child who screams bloody murder literally all hours of the day.
2) Blocking out the desert draft that comes across LA when the sun goes down. Once our thermostat starts working (yes folks, that's on our list to our landlord too, but has he fixed it? Nah) our energy efficiency will be terrible if we don't block out that draft.
3) Bugs. Big ones. Enough said.
4) It was pouring for two days straight. We don't have eaves or any kind of overhang over our door; its very open to the elements. And when I say "open to the elements" I mean that water was puddling and spewing around, and under our front door onto our new, real, hardwood floors.

Great.

I pay almost $900 in rent a month. I think I deserve what I ask for. Not even what I ask for, but what a functioning, proper, modern, and stylish apartment that's worth $900 needs. Even trailers have weather stripping. Even the cheapest Motel 8 has some sort of central air, and a housekeeping staff. I deserve to move into a spotless, unstuffy apartment, and I sure as hell deserve to get all of these requested things within a month of moving in without a smidgen of a hassle. He never did clean the house. We finally got fed up and did it ourselves. The blatant lack of cleaning was the last straw for me, so all these other things that are not getting done are only cycloning my rage into a Twister (starring Jodie Foster) style wrath.

He finally came yesterday and installed weather stripping because that was the thing I specifically bitched him out about in the email. Everything else on our list of about 6 things remains untouched. I'm guessing I'll probably have to send him a separate phone call/email for each. We'll see.

I have symmetry issues. I want EVERYTHING to be perfect, clean angles, yet I cannot for the life of me hang a shelf or towel bar straight. I decided I have too many projects that involve things being leveled properly, so I need to hire a handyman. I have this amazing plan of walking into Lowe's, going to the Customer Service counter and getting the assistance of this nice older man with while hair who's been a handyman for years. He would get in his 2008 red Ford pickup equiped with all of his tools, and come to my house to put up my curtains, and hang my shelves and large wall mirror. I'd offer him lemonade, he'd talk about his grandkids in college, and I'd pay Lowe's a reasonable hourly rate for his services. But, I don't live in Palm Coast anymore. I'm probably either going to ask for assistance from Lowe's and pay out the butt for them to come to my place and spend too long doing my projects. Or, I'm going to have to resort to getting some sketch handyman guy off of craigslist who will later come back and rob my house with his cousins since he will then know where I live. Looking forward to it.

I've been involved in this terrible drama between me and my old roommates. One of them has terrible fiscal responsibility (for the sake of this story let's call her the FIO, Fiscally Irresponsible One) and bounced MANY a check during her stay with us which was a huge pain in the ass. She is too prideful to tell us about her financial issues, so we would never know our utility accounts were in trouble until the next bill came and we had bounced check fees. We'd then gently have to confront her to pay for not only her part of the bill, but the fees that were tacked on. I'm sure my credit score just jumps for joy when the gas bill, that's in my name, has an overdraft/hold fee multiple times.

I understand. We have all been there. Those days of growing up where you throw your credit and finances into disarray because you don't know any better. But you'd think after the first, or 16th, bounced check, or after all the creditors calling and sending you letter after letter, you'd learn your lesson. Apparently not. As my beautiful roomie Gina would say, "You are almost 25. That's halfway to 50. Get your shit together."

Our last month of living together rolls around and we are working hard to finish out the last of our bills and get a walk through scheduled with our landlord so we can get our security deposit back. Me and my roommate find out from our landlord a week before we are supposed to move out that the FIO's rent check bounced for the last month's rent. She now owes $850 in overdue rent and fees. Our landlord keeps getting excuses from her. Our landlord tells us that if FIO doesn't get the money to her, in cash or money order, in two weeks, it will be taken out of our security deposit, aka, the $291 each we were to get back would then be dwindled to $25 each. Oh. Hell. No. Me and my roommate are furious. While we are not surprised, we are pissed that FIO wouldn't warn us that she is in this deep, and now, its come to the end of the line and she may end up using our hard earned security deposit portions to cover her ass. We confront her. She says she'll "take care of it". A week and a half goes by. She still hasn't. Me and my roommate are freaking out. While we hope she's a better person than that, FIO could easily just let the security deposit cover her debts and never speak to us again, leaving us no choice but to take her to small claims court. Or, she'd let the deposit cover her and then we'd have IOU's from her. Oh, did I mention FIO already owed my other roommate almost $150 from the many times my roommate has "fronted" (as she likes to call it) her for other bills she couldn't afford at the time? Hell if we're getting an IOU from her. We KNOW she's not good for it. And its OUR money. We have an intervention the night before the money's due. She NEEDS to find it. She needs to put her pride aside and start asking people for loans. FIO tells us she "hopes it can happen and she'll do her best". Me and my roommate leave the meeting more scared than ever. The next day we are on FIO's ass ALLL DAY LONG. We are checking in with her and our landlord simultaneously. We want to know every move they make so we know when this transaction will go down, that is, if it does go down. We realize the horrible truth that that day was Colombus Day. Banks are closed. We beg our landlord to move the deadline to the next day. She obliges. (She is the nicest. I can't believe she was so forgiving and understanding. God bless her please.) The next day we don't hear from FIO until I text her at 1:30. She answers that she's on her way to our landlord right then to put the money order in our landlord's hand. (Why we didn't hear about it, we don't know, but at least it was happening.) She texts us the transaction was complete and that our landlord would cut our checks that day. The landlord calls us to verify. Crisis solved, although not without tons of stress, a few borderline anxiety attacks, angry outbursts, and hostile texts/emails.

On another note, Gina texts me two days ago to tell me she's been released from work early. She has a fever. Yesterday she goes to the doctor. I meet her at home last night and she mentions to me the doctor thinks it may be the swine flu.

Never a dull moment.

Who Wants My Job??

2009-10-12T11:31:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was a great one. Had a really successful 201 class, got to go to lunch with my west coast bestie in beautiful weather, shopped the one and only Ikea, got my cable and internet installed, got most of my house put together, had a long convo with my east coast bestie, and relaxed a whole bunch. Most of all, I got really excited to move on from my job at Reveille. The fear of leaving is finally over, and now its just excitement to get on with my life. I have a plan, and I'm not worried at all about executing it.

I came to the realization this past week that even though my boss may have a timeline for me, my timeline for myself will always be more important. He offered to talk with the head of our company about giving me a raise. Which, is terrific. I'm glad he thinks I'm a great worker and deserve to be compensated for ALL the extra shit I do. He mentioned that he'll talk to him first and then I can pull up the rear and solidify the whole thing. He also said he isn't sure 1) If I'll even be granted the raise or 2) If I am, when it will take effect: right away, or in January. That was two weeks ago. To this day, even though I am ready and he KNOWS I'm ready, he still has yet to talk to Lee. He keeps mentioning that he has to, and doesn't. He also mentioned that he's not going to push for it to start right away. I'm beginning to think this offer for a raise is more for his gain and not so much for me. I mean, that's how he operates anyway, so why would this be any different? He's trying to keep me here. He's playing the game.

And you know what? I'm okay with it. Because, in January, I'm outta here. Whether this raise starts now, never, or in January, my timeline that I have set for myself is more important than sticking around to see if I ever get this 30% raise. If it happens in the near future, great. A few extra bucks before I leave. If it doesn't, no skin off my teeth. I'm not going to put what I really want to do on hold while I see if I can make $17 an hour. I'm not emotionally invested enough, and this is DEFINITELY not what I want to do. It doesn't make me happy, and frankly, I hate it and feel like I'm wasting my life.

I also recently realized that all the connections I've made here, the people I have come to know, are still going to be here when I leave. I can still call them up and ask to meet with them, give them my casting documents, etc. I don't have to work here to stay in touch with these people. They have come to be my friends, and I know they will take care of me no matter whether I'm sitting at this desk, or enjoying my life.

I'm excited for what 2010 is going to bring, and I'm glad that I'm not living in fear. I'm honestly optimistic and full of anticipation. I've been ready since the day I moved here (and before) to do what I really am meant to do, I've just been so scared. Now is the time, and I feel like its right.

It's Been a Bad Week, Nothing New For October

2009-10-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

Its been a rough one. The world knows how to file me down to the lowest bloody cuticle of annoyance, self loathing, jealousy, and remorse. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but its been once of those weeks.

October has always been a really weird month for me. I don't know if its because of the moon and sun aligning a certain way at this time of year, but October always seems to be the month I go bat shit in one way or another. I move, or change my mind about BIG things, or some other life altering change in lifestyle, all around this time of the year. Its beginning to not be a happy time for me, when it should be. I am beginning to fear my own self when October rolls around. And this past year was no different.

My LA anniversary is approaching and I should be looking back on all the things I've accomplished in this past year. For some reason this week, all I can reflect on is all my wasted time, failures, and regrets. I just keep thinking of what I was doing this time last year and how I miss it. I can't see how my life has gotten any more exciting. It seems like I started out great, then slowlyyyy got into this boring, weird normalcy. Blah-ville. I can't determine if I'm happy or not. I wish I could rewind and play this year over again and do SO many things differently. Maybe this was my big year of learning. Maybe I'm supposed to have a love/hate relationship with this past year. I can never have a do-over, and that bothers me.

I need to vow to myself that 2010 is going to be the year for me. I'm going to heal all the wounds that late 2008-2009 left behind. Most of all, I need to start a trend of making October a good month. How? No idea. But it needs to happen because I can't keep acting out in extreme ways. And I can't live in this fog anymore.

The best revenge is success. And that's all I have to say for October.

Moving SUCKS.

2009-09-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

I knew that moving was not going to be an enjoyable experience, as much as I wanted it to be, its just a fact of life: moving sucks. The actual process of moving is annoying, strenuous, time consuming...I could go on and on. My process though, was in its own class of terribleness. Bear with me, this is going to be a long one.

It all started on a sunny afternoon at the beginning of September. I was at work (of course) perusing craigslist for apartment listings. Gina and I had decided to be roommates a while ago, and vowed that we would start searching early. Throughout August we tried to haggle our way to a lower rent at Park La Brea, to no avail. We were scouring craigslist for cute apartment options, but every place we called said they needed someone to move in right away. Our move in date wasn't until the end of September. Finally September rolled around, and on this particular day, I found a listing for a brand new 2 bed/2 bath, hardwood floors throughout, granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, dishwater, underground parking, central a/c. A HUGE find for something in our price range. We made an appointment with the Property Manager, Justin, for that weekend.

That Saturday morning, we went to the new place to do a walk through. Justin was a grungy, pothead type who, while "on a hiatus" from acting, took this job as Property Manager for some extra cash and the free rent. He showed us a few of the units. We loved them. They were beautiful. The complex itself was still under heavy construction. The garage was full of random construction materials, the laundry room was dirty and no where close to being usable; barely anything was in working order besides the unit itself. He told us of all the plans for the complex. How if we chose the bottom floor we'd get a private patio space outside of our sliding door, and all these other cute odds and ends. We were some of the first people to come look at the place, so we could have our pick of the units. Justin told us that utilities weren't included, but with the two of us, we figured it wouldn't be too much a month. We were three weeks away from the end of our current leases, so we decided to put in an application. Justin also said that he would try to get us a week to move in before the lease began. This was the best deal we had found in West Hollywood; a terrific neighborhood, permit-free street parking for our guests, and we each had equal size rooms with our own bathrooms. Close to the Grove and Larchmont Village. Not to mention the appliances and apartment itself were beautiful, and with some minor cleaning, it would be a very classy place to live for a pair of 20-somethings making $30k a year. Three weeks was plenty of time to get the rest of the complex in clean, working order right? He told us right then and there, as we filled out the application, that he would run the credit checks tomorrow and tell us if we qualified, then we could get the process started and sign a lease later in the week. Whaa? Wait. My buyer remorse started to kick in. The place was pretty ideal though. Is this how fast this process is supposed to happen? I agreed to let the credit check happen, and crossed my fingers that this was the best we could find. Even after that week, and after the lease was signed, I continued to check craigslist to see if I could find anything better. I couldn't. I started to feel a bit better about being rushed into signing my life away.

Justin called us the day after we saw the place to tell us we had been approved. We can sign the lease and put down the deposit. I couldn't get paid until Friday, but he was once again rushing us, telling us that the money NEEDED to be in by Tuesday because he had a lot of people who wanted to see the place, threatening that it wouldn't be there by Friday. He also wouldn't let us only pay 1 month's rent as the deposit, we HAD to pay 1 1/2, and as soon as possible. That meant we would have to run to the bank sometime during our busy day and get a bank check, and for me, I'd have to borrow $1200 from Mark to get that bank check. Great. Buyer's remorse creeping up once again. We obliged, but we both work late and couldn't get all the way across town to sign the lease and drop off the deposit until 8:30 that night. Could he meet us then? Nope, it was "too late" for him. Well, could you meet us halfway? Nope. We had to take more time out of our day and leave early from work to meet this kid for this apartment I was still wasn't 100% sure I wanted. He told us he'd meet us at the new place. (What grinds my gears is that to this day, there are still three units available. "Will be gone by the end of the week" my ass.)

We get to the street of the new apartment at 8pm. He is standing outside his beat up car waiting for us. He tells us that he "forgot that the unit doesn't have electricity yet, but this should only take us 5 minutes", so we'll just sign it here under this street lamp in the middle of the street on the top of my shit ass car. Reeeeal professional. And this isn't going to take 5 minutes, because I'm going to read every single line of this shady lease. He keeps stressing to us that he needs to be somewhere by 8:45. I don't give a shit. I need to read this, calm down and be accommodating for once. At the top it said that the landlord pays for water.
Me-"Wait, water is included?"
Justin-"Oh yeah."
Me-"I thought we had to pay for utilities. But not water?"
Justin-"If it says he pays for water, I guess he does. Sweet."
Fucking stoner. He also continued to tell us that the landlord wouldn't give us a week before to move in, but he'd give us three days. Right then and there I wrote it in my planner. September 28th. Move in. Albeit a Monday, but if that's the best we could get, fine.
I took a while to read through each part of the lease, and let Gina know that it was alright to sign. We gave him the deposits. All in the moonlight of Elmwood Ave. He then told us we had one more thing to sign. A waiver. The units were originally built as condos, and then the market went sour, so the landlord decided to put them on the market as apartments for lease.
Me-"Oh. So we need to sign something that says we aren't responsible for homeowner's fees or dues?"
Justin-"Uh. Yep. Right."
He is good for nothing.
Me-"Cool. Where is it?"
Justin-"I don't have it yet. I meet with him tomorrow and will get it then. And after I meet with him and he looks over the lease you signed, I'll fax you a copy."
Hmm. Okay, well at least he knows we need a copy. Too bad I can't have one tonight, unless he has some sort of copier in his piece of shit vehicle. We'd have to come all the way back to this side of town tomorrow night to sign one, single piece of paper.
Justin-"I only need one of you to sign it, so only one of you needs to come."
Yeah freakin right. Like I'm going to go to your sketch apartment at 8:45 at night by myself. Thanks but no thanks bud. I'll bring a freakin posse.

I text him the next day to see where the fax was of the lease. He said "I won't give it to you until you sign the waiver, that way all the paperwork will be together." UGH. Fine. Gina and I go that night to his shoddy apartment at the border of Koreatown to sign this paper. He gives us a copy of the signed lease. I read the waiver paper. It is NOT a waiver of the homeowner fees. Its a waiver of our rights. If the landlord wants to all of the sudden make our unit into a condo, while he needs to get it approved by the city, he has every right to kick us out without any relocation help, etc. Uhhh. I don't know how I feel about this. Justin says its "standard". I decide that there is always a way out of a contract. It states that he needs to give us 30 days. Fine. I'll sign it. Buyer's remorse. We get a copy of that also.

The next week I call Justin to see if we can come and measure.
Me-"Can we come Sunday at noon to measure the place?"
Justin-"No, I won't be around."
Me-"Oh. Okay, what about Saturday morning?"
Justin-"Nah, I don't have to show the property that morning so I won't be there."
What? Then effing come and unlock the door for us. Thanks for being accommodating. Fine. I'll try the next weekend. The same thing happens. We can't make it the times he will be there. Why he can't just come for a few minutes and let us measure is beyond me. This happens three weekends in a row.

Gina calls to introduce herself to our landlord the week before we're supposed to move in. She wants to move in the weekend before because it would be easier. She can't move during the week, she has to work, and doesn't have as lenient as a boss as I have. He tells her no. If she wants to pay $200 extra, she can move in early. She was going to pay it. I told her it was too much money and completely stupid. I was getting a U-Haul on Monday and would come and get her stuff for her while she was at work and we'd split the cost. She was very grateful. He was hesitant to give us three days, but he said that he was "willing to work with us" and finally granted us permission. We would move in on Monday.

Finally, this past weekend, two days before we are scheduled to move in, our schedules align. We could come measure. We show up Saturday morning and meet the landlord, Mark, face to face. He is actually really nice and has a cool African accent ala Dave Matthews. He mentions how we are scheduled to move in Monday. He puts our numbers in his cell phone and is really friendly. Justin lets us into the unit. Its still filthy. It still doesn't have fixtures. Nothing has changed since we saw it three weeks ago. I talk to the landlord quickly as we leave.
Me-"Nice to meet you! Should I call you tomorrow about getting the keys and such?" (I had other questions I wanted to ask too.)
Mark-"Call whenever!...Actually the office is closed tomorrow."
Me-"Okay, then I'll call you early Monday."
Mark-"Great! We'll get it figured out."
I should've called 45 minutes from then. I'm an idiot.

Monday morning I call the office at 9am sharp. I need to get the key situation figured out before I leave work to get the U-Haul. I'm also worried, based on Saturday, that the place hasn't been cleaned up. His receptionist says that he's not in yet, but she'll give him the message. The receptionist calls me back at 10:30. Mark isn't available the whole day. WHAT? I tell her he knows we are moving in today, we need the keys. She is really sweet and tells me I can come get the master key so I can move in my stuff. I ask her if she knows if the place has been cleaned yet. She has no idea.

I leave work at 1:30, meet Mark (my Mark) at the U-Haul place, he goes back to my place to load some of the trailer and do some laundry. I head to Koreatown to get the key. Its the sketchest part of mid-town. The office doubles as a leasing office, and a woodworking/cabinetry supply and showroom. There is a crazy homeless woman sitting near the steps yelling at herself. There are three Mexican kids under the age of 10 playing under a dirty dirty stairwell with no guardians in sight. Thank God its 3 in the afternoon and broad daylight. The overweight receptionist gives me the keys and tells me to return them "whenever". Uh. Alright.

The apartment is on the way home, so I decide I'm going to stop by and check to see if it has been prepped for move in. The whole day I have this huge knot in my stomach and a terrible feeling its going to look just as it looked on Saturday morning. Please God let it be move in ready.

I open the door and my worst thoughts are realized. Its exactly the same as it has been since the first second we laid eyes on it. The only difference is that Gina got the electricity turned on. How am I supposed to move things into a dirty apartment? I'm beyond infuriated. I'm stuck at a crossroads because technically, Mark is doing us a favor by letting us move in early, but he also knew we were coming today and should have had it ready, or at least should have been available to talk to. I'm so upset. I don't know what to do. I guess I could just swiffer one room and put everything in there? I only have this U-Haul for 24 hours. I need to get this done today. I call Justin. He is upset too, which makes me feel a little better, but he doesn't do anything about it. He suggests I call Mark the next day and bitch him out, and he'll call him too. That's all he offers. He is useless. There are also a few things wrong with the place that I want to address with Mark, but if I move in my stuff, will the nicks and dents now potentially be my fault even though they were there before I moved the stuff in?

Mark (my Mark), Gina and I spend until 11pm moving in our stuff. I started with just piling it in my room, but then we ran out of room and had to let it spill into Gina's room and the living room. I don't know how they're going to clean around it, but they'll need to figure it out. Gina had to stay there last night, and I guess she just didn't shower. I still have yet to hear from the landlord or Justin regarding the situation. I told Gina to call him because I will chew his ass out (which might be what he needs) but I haven't gotten any response from anyone.

This is so frustrating. Why can't stuff just work out? Moving is stressful enough as it is, then add all of this rediculousness and it becomes suicidal. All I want is a clean apartment that I can put my shit. Is that too much to ask? Apparently.

I'll keep you all updated. Please pray for Gina and I.

Best Craigslist Ad of the Day

2009-09-18T17:08:00.001-07:00

I just found this ad on the crazy LA Craigslist. Thank goodness I know some Spanish, or I would've passed right over this hilarious gem. I will put in the original Spanish (just in case you want to comment because some of my Spanish may be wrong) and then the translation:

Mujer bella? pon tus pies en mi cara (Sherman Oaks)

Tienes pies bonitos y suaves? Se calientan y sudan adentro de tus zapatos? Ponlos en mi cara! Dejame olerlos y probarlos... Mill dolares por semana. Busco un arreglo regular. Tienes que ser linda, 18-50 anos ded edad, y vive en el valle de san fernando. Manda foto y tu numero de contacto. Estoy muy serio y busco una mujer linda con pies deliciosos....

Translation:
Are you a pretty woman? Put your feet in my face (Sherman Oaks)
Do you have pretty and smooth feet? Are they hot and and sweat in your shoes? Put them in my face! Leave the odor and try this...a thousand dollars a week. I am looking for natural. You have to be cute, 18-50 years of age, and live in the San Fernando Valley. I must get a photo and your contact number. I am very serious and am looking for a cute lady with delicious feet.

Rap Battle: Corporate Style

2009-09-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

JD and I's epic rap battle yesterday, and its origins: Check our flow:

AW:
Yo kids,
Good news!
#1: Its almost Friday.
#2: 5170's fax is working again! Sooo fax that shiz up.

Hearts and love,
A Dubs

JD: Wow, thuggin it out

AW: i don't know what you're talking about. that's just how i talk. you're not the only one with the dream of a lucrative hip hop career.

JD: Little girl, you aint the only one that got it
But I will drown you in the ball pit
At Chucky Cheese for profit-
So don't try to rhyme, just stop it

AW: Uh..uh..give me a beat..

I may be white and get fitted at the Gap,
but that don't mean I ain't fitted to rap.
Stop judgin my flow and get educated,
this "little girl" as you call me
will soon be elevated,
to high class status, baller hall of fame,
you'll still be gettin todd coffee
while they're screamin my name.

JD: Yo, yo yo.

You think you bad? You think you hot? Well are you ready or not?
To play the game, with man, who talk you to walk?
And I'm not playing, I'm just saying, that you're mostly just talk
I'll stay forever, but your name will wash 'way like Chalk

And all this fame that you speak of, is all in your head
Turn on your TV and you'll see me, while you cryin in bed
You might be famous to you friends, but to the world you'll be dead
Cuz I'm star child and you're the one they keep in the shed

Ohhhhhhhhhh

AW: Check your grammar,
spelling and syntax
you call yourself a rapper?
Check yourself real fast:
"who talk you to walk?",
and comma displacement?
Proofread yo shiz
before you get all brazen.
Cuz you'll be dazin'
While I'll be grazin'
On all the praisin'
That this caucasian
Will be raisin'.
So stop your jealousy,
Don't cry or pout,
I'll take you to a fancy dinner
when my platinum album comes out.

JD:I don't read my shit back, it comes straight out my head
The essence of these lyrics should be heard and not read
So pardon my sloppy prose, you care to much, it shows
I'd sweat the small stuff also, if I knew my rap blows

Now I keep girls awake, like a can of Mountain Dew
But, sit back, relax, I'll show you how I do
And I'll speak real slow so I won't lose you
and I'll fill up your up dish and get you back to the zoo

You animal, you come at me like you don't know who I am
How many times can you hear about me and not know I'm the man
Cuz I be Solo like Han, and a geek, still sleek
The folks at home love me like my name Shark Week

Now how's that for a Discovery, girl
Take me to your leader, girl
Crash landed on your bitchass world
From the Lord, I am god sent
with a word YOU can not represent: talent

Umm, please. Clearly, I'm more hood.

Houston We Have A Problem

2009-09-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

Oprah calls her "THE Voice". Many call her "THE Diva".
Whitney Houston. She's back, and still crazy.

I caught some of her comeback interview on Oprah the other night (don't ask why or how: when you live in my apartment, you only get to watch BET, Oprah, Black America, or trashy reality TV) and I'm sad to say, she's still messed up. I guess a long life in the spotlight will do that to you.

I truly believe Oprah was trying to ask all the right questions to put Whitney in the best light possible. I don't blame you, O. You tried. And we all have high hopes for Whitney, but she is still a hot psychological mess.

Oprah opened the floor for Whit to talk about how being with Bobby ruined her career and life, and how he abused her, made her into this "bad girl", and how they'd do drugs together for nights on end. Whitney described one instance where her and Bobby sat on the couch in a drugged stupor for days, not even saying one word to each other because they were so high. She didn't seem embarrassed or remorseful, and defended Bobby til the end. She also went into uncomfortable detail, randomly may I add, about how they couldn't keep themselves off each other if you know what I mean. Inapprops and awkward. Whitney didn't miss a beat when Oprah asked her what her and Bobby's "drug of choice" was either. She situated herself in a horse-stance on her seat and kind of got this bright look in her eye, her speech elevated, as she gleefully explained in detail to Ms. O how to lace a joint with premium rock cocaine. Yeahhh. Hm. Poor Oprah. She kept saying things along the lines of "Interesting...but did you ever think this was a bad situation for you?" Or, "Yes...but did you ever wonder why you weren't happy?" etc. Trying to prompt her to finally see that the life she was living was desecrating to her and her family. Whitney told a story of after an alleged domestic abuse incident where the police were called, her mother came to her house in a storm and told her she was hauling her off to rehab. Her mom told her she didn't want her ruining her "gift" (her voice) and the lives of her children. Once again, she didn't seem to be phased by the relationship situation. She brushed off the incident and focused on her mom being upset about her career. Newsflash Houston: Don't think she was upset that your career was failing.

There were redeeming times in the interview where Whitney spoke of her faith and how God pulled her out from the deepest, darkest parts of her life, and how she was happier in the beginning days of her career when she was "singing for God". But, what bothered me, is that she defended Bobby, his actions, and how he treated her, up and down continuously. Its like she is clean (kinda, there were times when I was wondering) but she still hasn't grasped the fact that they had a terrible, termultuous relationship that harmed her psychological wellbeing, her career, and her children. She was basically refusing to admit her relationship with him was the worst thing that ever happened to her. I'm sure that's a hard thing to admit, but its just so sad and embarrassing when you can't be honest about such a serious situation. There's a part of me that doesn't want her to come back until she has her range back, and is mentally normal.

Email Fight!

2009-09-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

I've been having the most awesome email "fights" with my work friends this whole week. Here is a transcription of the best one so far between me and my good friend Josh. Of course these aren't real fights. We just get bored and decide to kill time by being sacastically aggressive with each other via company email. Sometimes, I get so engrossed, I forget I'm at work. Which is the point I believe.

Ashley Walker: Hey guys, The fax in 5170 is on the fritz. You can still pdf, copy, and print to the xerox, but the fax function isn't working (sending or receiving) for some reason. If need be, please direct people to the SI xerox, and Diana is on the situation as we speak. When you fax to the SI xerox, be sure to go over there and pick it up asap; I'd hate for our papers to clutter up their groove over there. I'll let you know when its fixed.
Thanks,
A Dubs

Josh Levin: whyd you break the fax?

AW: your mom broke the fax. i just didn't want to embarrass your family.

JL: WOW. so on. it is SO on.

AW: i ain't scurred. bring it.

JL: i will use a systematic approach in dealing with spreading the rumor that your mom broke the fax machine. i will start small, maybe dropping hints that she was here visiting, and holding a bunch of papers, etc. etc. slowly word will travel, and quickly the "truth" will be known

AW: too late. i already told everyone, in the same systematic approach, that YOUR mom in fact broke the fax. i just looped you out. BOOM. people are talking about your mom behind your back. and how she ruined our fax capabilities.

JL: your mom broke the copier and i wont even get into how. BOOM.

AW: good luck convincing everyone. by the way, story's changed: i just called your mom and convinced her that YOU did it. now you're grounded.

JL: i already was grounded. BOOM

AW: this is the best email fight we've EVER. HAD.

JL: Hey other email fights, I'm a let you finish, but THIS email fight is the BEST OF ALL TIME!

My fav is the shout out to Kanye's audacity at the end.

Next post: JD and I's freestyle rap battle via email that is currently going down.

Winning it BIG

2009-09-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

Subway has a promotion going on based on the Scrabble board game. Maybe this has been going on for years, who knows, but my eyes have just recently been opened to it thanks to my friend JD who is actively and fervently trying to win the $100,000 prize. You could win big money or big prizes if you collect letters to spell out certain words. While I know most of these types of promotions are gimmicks that yield odds much like state lotteries (1 in millions), I am a sucker for a fun game that involves food. I always convince myself that if I eat enough, I will win, because honestly, someone's eventually going to win. Why not me? I'm a bit upset and embarrassed that I missed the bandwagon on this healthy Scrabble game. Why didn't someone inform me that there was a lower calorie alternative when I was trying to win McDonald's Monopoly?

My sister Lauren and I were roommates for a year in college. One afternoon, we drove to McDonalds to get...honestly, God knows what. Lauren is obsessed with McDonalds, and would go about once a month to get a Big Mac or something. While sipping on her Coke, she realized that the Monopoly game was going on for a limited time. We could win up to a million dollars. We needed some cash. We loved McDonalds. We were totally in.

From that day forward for a month and a half, we went to McDonalds EVERY DAY. We were both so terrified we would get fat, but we wanted to win so bad. We each had the Monopoly board taped to our dorm room walls and would come home and put the stickers on. We'd go through the drive through and get the things that would make us feel the least bad about ourselves that would also have the game pieces on them: Two large sweet teas, which we would take home and pour into a large pitcher in the fridge to drink at our leisure; a large fry that we would split; and fried Chicken Selects strips that we would put in a freezer bag to heat up in the future. Once we collected all the easy pieces, (you know, the ones that they make 14 million of so you think you are getting close) we started to get desperate. We were spending $10 a day on McDonalds, upping our caloric intake, and getting nothing in return. We came up with a solution: We needed to disperse. Going to just ONE McDonalds in all of Orlando wasn't going to get us the pieces we needed to be millionaires, so we began traveling to other McDonalds restaurants in the metro area hoping to "cheat" the system. Needless to say, we didn't win. I won about 14 free Quarter Pounders with Cheese, and about 12 "free soft drink with purchase of a Big Mac".

What's weird with Subway's promotion is that they are only offering the game pieces on large drinks. Not even on the sandwiches. Odd. I think McDonalds (and other fast food restaurants that use these kind of promotions) should put the game pieces only on healthy foods so you'd have to eat well in order to win. "I won a million dollars!! AND lost 11 pounds!!" That would be the best day of my life.

Its Hard Out Here For a 20-Something

2009-09-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

As much as I want to, I can't please everybody. But for some odd reason, when I'm not pleasing everybody, I'm also not pleasing myself. Believe you me, I wish I had endless funds, and endless days in my week to visit people, be where I'm always supposed to be, plus find time and money for myself and my aspirations.

I don't mean to leave people in the dust. It breaks my heart when I can't attend your wedding, when I can't visit you for the weekend, when I can't send you money for your graduation, when I can't call you back for a week because by the time I can its 11pm your time, when I miss your 21st birthday party. I'm sorry. I lose sleep over it. I really do. It sucks that I can't get to know your new boyfriend, or your fiance. Or, when I do take the time and money to go to your wedding, I have never met your husband before. It sucks, and worse off, I never fully understood what a steep sacrifice I'd have to make moving here. I knew it would be tough being far from my family and friends, but I never knew how guilty I'd feel for being here.

I'm so conflicted sometimes. I love it here, I love my life, and I'm proud of who I am, what I'm learning, and where I'm going in my career. But people in my life make it seem like (whether intentionally or not) I am choosing my life over theirs, or that I am selfish for planning things for myself, or missing things because I honestly just can't make the time or pay the price. I get it. You are upset because I can't be there, but I'm trying my BEST to spread myself as thin as possible. I'm not living on the streets, but I only have so much to give in terms of funds. Believe me, my credit card company borderline hates me. I'm not staying in the office everyday of the week, but I do work 11 hour days, have a demanding boss, a boyfriend, am trying to keep some friends around me so I don't go into a depression, not to mention trying to further the REAL career I want in my "free" time. I give you the time I can when I'm not blacking out because my brain is on overload.

I moved here for a reason. And everyone knew that. I'm not here for shits, and I'm definitely not here because I like it. I'd be in Manhattan if I wanted to be somewhere that I truly loved. I'm here because I need to be to do what I want to do. Yes, its across the country, and yes, I have put myself between a rock and a hard place when it comes to having time for others, let alone myself, but everyone needs to understand I'm doing my darndest.

I don't say this to make you feel guilty for giving me a hard time, but I am working hard out here. Honestly, probably harder than a lot of you will ever work, or have worked in your life. Hopefully, it will be the hardest I'll ever have to work/have worked in my life. You're not here to see me hustle. I'm not being melodramatic, slash ghetto, and saying, "You don't knowww me", but...you don't know. I don't know anyone that will be reading this that understands what my life is like right now. And I'm definitely fine with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I can't go 90 and you only go 10. We need to be at a common understanding that I'm trying my best, and you are also trying your best. I'm spending every last penny (and every last fake dollar of my high interest credit limit) to make everyone, and sometimes myself, happy. I will drive hours to see you. I will buy $400 plane tickets to come to your wedding where you barely speak to me, I'm in Palm Coast/Flagler Beach for less than 48 hours, and take 5 hour plane rides straight back to my 60+ hour a week job at 6am on a Monday morning. I'll fly home for whirlwind weekends where I need to schedule time to see 15 people in a 35 hour period. I will call you, albeit its at midnight. I will send you a birthday gift, though I can't be there in person. I'll send my condolences via phone, though I'm sorry I can't be there to give you hugs and make you brownies. I AM TRYING. It hurts me that I am merely a shadow in your life, but please, don't make me feel bad for following my dreams and trying to make it work. I am giving you everything I can, while still trying to salvage a bit for me. Its hard when I'm expected to make time and pull funds out of my orafices, while many don't understand that, sometimes, I need you to do the same. And not only do the same, but also realize that I'm going to NOT be able to do it everytime.

Like I said before: I'm here for a reason. I need the weekends to take classes. I need those "dollas" for headshots. I need the extra minutes/hours/days I have to actually feel like I live here and pay rent for a reason more than just storage of my belongings, the occasional nights of sleep, and a shower every now and then. To be honest, sometimes I want to dish out a few hundo to eat a fancy dinner and buy some shoes on Melrose instead of paying $280 for jet lag, gossip about my sister's terrible relationship, and a guilt trip about how I didn't spend 4 of my 48 hours going to a shower party for a girl I haven't seen or talked to in 7 years.

I appreciate those that make the effort and spend the money to come see ME. Thank you to those who continue to call and leave me non-condescending voicemails until I get the chance to call you back and have more than a 2 minute conversation with you. And all of you, if you ever, EVER want to come visit me, I will take all the time I have to be with you while you are here. I will even do my best to foot every bill I can. If you can't come see me, I will make sure I carve out time when I come home to spend with you and only you. I love all of you so so much. Now give a sista a break.

Oprah Doesn't Lie, Right?

2009-09-08T15:24:00.000-07:00

I think she made this up to make us feel better about ourselves...

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-fat-is-fabulous-in-mauritania/

THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN

2009-09-06T21:13:00.001-07:00

Watch him peel out in the church van at the end. This is hilarious with a capital H.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/video/video.php?v=1211810531812&ref=nf

10 Things Cooking Taught Me About Life

2009-09-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

I found this article by chance today, and I was brought to tears. Cooking is such an important part of my life, and a real, honest joy for my heart. I decided after reading this, that I could use the joy I get out of cooking for the joy of others.

1. Small gestures can make a big difference. The day after the Virginia Tech shootings, in April 2007, when my community in northern Virginia was shaken with grief, I found myself baking a batch of lemon cupcakes with milk-chocolate frosting. As I admired their glistening tops, I couldn't help but wonder: Could a tiny cupcake make the world feel like a more tender place, even for one bite?
As I delivered the cupcakes to my neighbors, the smiles on their faces were proof that, yes, indeed it could.

2. Cheap thrills are closer than you think. In this BlackBerry-crazed world, growing your own food, even just a little herb garden, can help you appreciate the present moment: the sweet delight of that first cherry tomato, the heady perfume of fresh mint.
During the holidays, I am always thankful for that backyard rosemary when I pluck it from the bush and add it to apple pies, roasted meats, and white-bean bruschetta.

3. Control is overrated. When my fiancé and his stuff moved into my one-bedroom apartment, I was OK with the books and the CDs, the quirky framed prints, and even the oddball knickknacks he squeezed onto my already crowded shelves.
But when it came to my kitchen, nothing was allowed to disrupt the order and flow. So when, a few weeks before we were married, he bought a knife without consulting me, I nearly had a stroke. Of course, my response symbolized my many years as a single woman who had only herself to consider. If I was going to let him into my life, I quickly realized, I had to let him into my kitchen, too.

4. Sing if you must, but quit thinking so much. Despite my culinary training, I couldn't make a pizza dough to save my life. It was either too tough, too doughy, or riddled with holes.
Then a friend visiting from Australia, who loved to sing while he cooked pizza, showed me the error of my ways: In my stressed-out quest to make it perfect, I was overkneading the dough. When I stopped fussing over it, I got it right.

5. There are always second chances. A dear friend of mine died suddenly of a heart attack in early 2007. For months I had intended to cook for him, and now it was too late. Or was it?
In tribute, I baked him a marble cake and took it to his funeral, where his friends and loved ones stayed behind to eat it and exchange stories about this wonderful man.

6. Substance beats style every time. You might think a trained chef has a gleaming kitchen filled with expensive appliances. Well, I spent the past four years in an apartment with a kitchen so lilliputian that even making room for a toaster was out of the question.
My husband, who found bread crisped in the oven an unworthy substitute for the real stuff, pleaded for mercy. So I bought a $3 collapsible tin toaster from a camping store. Not only did it take up hardly any space but it also toasted bread to crunchy perfection.

7. We all have what it takes to create something. The legendary cookbook author Edward Espe Brown taught me a lot about the creative aspects of preparing food -- how the sheer physical act of it is an artistic expression, like painting or dancing.
Now, that might sound a bit lofty when you're racing to get dinner on the table. But if you think of cooking as creating something, even when you're making the most basic meal, you might get more enjoyment out of your time in the kitchen -- where we all possess some creative ability, however great or small.

8. Communicate, any way you can. Two years ago, we weren't sure my kid brother was going to live. He is fine today, but back then, powerless to help him, I placed his photo on the kitchen counter and taught him aloud how to make meat sauce, step-by-step, as if he were next to me. Although the conversation was one-sided, having his smiling face staring up from that photo as I stirred the sauce helped me through one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

9. Your instinct may not be the best, but it's yours. A fearsome chef-instructor at a cooking school in Italy once gave an assignment to me and my classmate Max to make risotto for lunch. While I stirred, chef Sergio sternly reminded us to add salt before serving.
"How much?" we asked. "Enough," he replied and walked away. We felt lost, but lunch was imminent, so we took turns salting and tasting until we both agreed it was just right -- then high-fived to our accomplishment. Did chef Sergio like it? No. But then his food was always too salty for my taste.

10. Less really is more. Exhibit A: the grilled cheese sandwich. If I cooked my last meal over a skillet, ironing two pieces of Cheddar-stuffed bread together with some strong mustard, I would be smiling wide.

Can This Be True???

2009-09-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

Oh man. I just peed a little when I got this email from our President, Lee. I will keep you posted if this actually happens for me, (knowing my boss, yeah effing right) but until then, I'm going to daydream about what I'm going to do with my extra 8 hours of the day tomorrow!! AHHHH

START OF EMAIL:

SUBJ: half day tomorrow
SENDER: Rierson, Lee (Reveille LLC)

In recognition of the labor day weekend, subject to your supervisor's approval, Reveille and Shine International staff in the U.S. offices may leave at 1 p.m. tomorrow. Enjoy the long weekend!

your friends,

The Reveille Managing Directors

EDIT: I got off at 2:45...better than nothing!!

FAILS of this week

2009-08-21T11:14:00.001-07:00

- Spent $98 online for about 4 pounds of gourmet truffles from an expensive chocolatier in Brentwood. I have yet to eat them because they are in the mail.

- Went to the gym only once.

- In that one time only gym experience this week, I couldn't even run one mile on the treadmill.

- Couldn't find a way to sell my Kings of Leon ticket because its too late of notice, and probably because its only ONE ticket.

- Used my credit card to buy two pairs of TOM's shoes online.

- Dropped my planner on the floor of my bungalow and a really nice mom with her triplets picked it up and gave me a weird look when she handed it to me. When it fell, it was open to this week, and I have two curse words written down because I'm planning on seeing "Inglorious Bastards" and a show at UCB called "Shitty Jobs". I don't think she respects me.

20 Things to Do Before You Marry

2009-08-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-20-things-every-woman-should-do-before-she-gets-married/?cnn=yes

As silly as this is, this is so true. While I haven't completed all of these things (my 25th birthday is still a few years away), the ones on the list that I have braved will forever be in my heart and mind as the things that made me a stable, upstanding woman who is on the road to being mature enough for a marriage. I got teary eyed reading the list and being proud of the things that I have experienced, on my own, in life. It takes a lot of strength to not only complete some of these things, but to GET OVER completing some of these things, and the heartbreak and guilt that comes along with them.

This note also comes on the brink of a revelation I had this weekend.

King David was a man after God's own heart, because of the ways he would respond to the holy spirit's conviction on his errors and immediately be humbled and willing to repent and make right his wrongs. Not because he was a fierce warrior, a devout disciple, and sometimes a terrific person, but because in his weakness before God he would say, "You're right. I'm sorry. I have wronged you. But, what now God? Tell me and I will go." His family was eventually brought to their demise by David's sins, and for a culmination of things, a few being: He was lustful to a dangerous degree, he was "unequally yoked" (I can explain that to you later if you'd like, right now that's not the point of my story), and he was passive in many aspects of his family life. There is a verse that states, "[David's son] was never rebuked by his father, him asking, 'why do you behave the way you do?'" Later in his sons's lives, David would again be passive, not asking the tough questions, not convicting in a loving manner, which would eventually lead to his children's deaths and the deep brokenness of his family and faith.

Sorry. Don't mean to creep you out. :) The reason I tell you this story is because I was convicted of being too passive in my family life, as David was. Not that it will ultimately cause my son to rape his sister or my sons to kill each other, or create some irreconsilable rift in my family (God I hope not), but I do believe that God is trying to speak through me in a way that can touch someone's heart. I call myself a great daughter, a great sister, because of the ways I listen, am patient, and try to constantly make everything smooth over. That's fine, but I do that too much. I'm afraid to tell people what they need to hear because my family is the type that never ceases to tell you the way your life "should" be lived. Because I'm not there all the time, so how could I possibly know what's going on? Because they hear it enough from those around them who aren't speaking words of truth, just words of scorn. Because what if I say the wrong thing and it pushes them away? What if I lose their trust?

My sister is getting married. Its a terrible idea. I said it. Terrible. I can list the reasons. But I won't. I haven't told her that I think this is a bad idea on many levels. I am just being "supportive" because she hears enough shit from the rest of my family; random reasons that don't matter to her.

Do you love someone enough to not be passive about their decisions, their life, and how they are treating others? If you can see the potential in them they can't see, what do you say to them? I'm tired of being passive. I have never been one to stand on the sidelines and act joyful. I dive in, and AM TRULY joyful. I don't feel that way towards what is supposed to be the most joyful day of her life. I feel God is calling me to talk to her about it, but I don't know where to begin, or how I'm going to say something of meaning in a caring way that 100 other people haven't already tried to tell her. Maybe its not my job to change her mind or to make her see that she is better than the life and relationships she is setting up for herself. But maybe, just maybe, if I enter the conversation in prayer, humility, and compassion for her life, God will say the words that I can't think of to say.

Best Craigslist Ads of the Day

2009-08-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

The Los Angeles craigslist is the best place for creepers. Here are some of the best posts of the day, and my commentary on each:

1) $eeking Butt models ( Encino)
Do you have a tight, gorgeous, little ass? offering $3,000 per month for the right ass model. Race open, just be slim, in great shape and between the ages of 18-40. Send your picture and contact number. Details when we talk. Be local, IN THE VALLEY.

I love how they used a dollar sign as the S. "Details when we talk"; if that's not rapist lingo, then I don't know what is. And whoever's ass looks great at 40, please let me know.

2) Looking for girls that want to enter or are experience in modeling (Los Angeles)
Looking for girls that in need for modeling portfolio or been thinking of modeling in want to get there feet wet in modeling. Also experience models that want to update there portfolio. If you feel ready to work send your link or pictures of portfolio, and contact number. If you are what we are looking for someone will contact you in set up photo shoot or interview.

This may come across as horribly racist, but if you are having language barrier issues when you write a craigslist ad about "talent", especially modeling, I picture you as a hairy, smelly, overweight Russian or Italian man, and I immediately write you off as creepy.

3) Seek gorgeous actress to play sexy, psychotic hypnotherapist killer (Hollywood)
Internet media company needs a gorgeous actress to play a sexy, psychotic hypnotherapist. Video will contain REAL hypnosis. Plot themes vary: hypnocrime, hypnomurder, and other forms of evil mind control depicted. Actress should be ambitious, intelligent, power-hungry, and comfortable with the concept of total mind control. For consideration, submit portfolio, resume/salary history, contact information, and good time to reach you. Internet-oriented talent strongly preferred.

This is a cult, brainwashing, murder crime waiting to happen.

4) Tickling models (Los angeles)
I look for a ticklish girls for a tickling jobs, serious job, the girls may are very ticklish. No nude !!!!

This one takes the cake. See my above note regarding language barriers. This doesn't sound like it was written by a creepy foreign guy at all.

You Know You're Broke When You...

2009-07-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

All of the below I have actually done within the last year. And no, they aren't from Suzie Orman. They have genuinely been compiled by yours truly.

1) Purchase a hamburger with your credit card.
2) Have to get a cash advance to pay your rent.
3) Subscribe to the LA Times Sunday Edition for $4 every 6 months just for the coupons. (I literally don't read any other part of it, except I sometimes keep the crossword puzzles.)
4) Sleep on an air mattress in your $800 apartment room for 7 months because you can't drop $500 for a bed and/or mattress.
5) Have to keep your horrible, time consuming job because you have $1400 worth of debt to pay every month.
6) Have to transfer money from your savings more than three times a month.
7) Use all of your tax return towards your credit card payment and it still only pays for a fifth of it.
8) Resort to eating 7 month old soup and crackers from crafty in your bungalow because you can't go out and buy lunch.
9) Can only fill up your gas tank to $10 every time you go to the pump.
10) Force yourself to work 14 hours a day to get the overtime money.

FML. Actually, more like L is Fing Me.

Life is forever...so don't waste any time.....?

2009-07-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

I have many questionable friends on Facebook. And by questionable I mean obscure people from my grammar school days that used to be normal, and now are weird, trashy, thug, slutty, or just crazy. But, they make my Facebook stalking a lot more interesting.

I got a good laugh this morning from the status of a boy I grew up with.

The only reason you would pen a mantra or inspirational quote and post it on Facebook is because you personally believe it would be inspirational to others, or because you thought you sounded smart at one time in your life, and wanted to document it. Here is the forementioned status that just became my favorite of the day so far:

(I highly doubt he will be reading my blog, but I'll change his name nonetheless.)

Bevin Be La Bosa "Life is an eternity...make the most of it - Bevin Be La Bosa"
(I know, I know, I didn't have time to think of a descrete name. moving on...)

Not only did he post this for everyone to see, thinking that it was clever, he made sure everyone knew HE made it up.

Life is an eternity, make the most of it? Doesn't make sense, bud. Thank you for being my favorite status of the day. ....Please don't come shank me.

Beers and Babies

2009-07-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

A natural and obvious fact of life as you get older is that you will be inevitably blindsided with things you had not prepared for. This week, I've been bombarded with a maturity epiphany I did not see coming:

People you know getting fatter.

Being in California, and just getting the hell out of Palm Coast in general, I don't stay in touch with a lot of my acquaintances from high school. Facebook is my link to the past. Not only are people having children (which is a whole 'nother realization I had to learn to deal with) they are gaining, ahem, "baby weight", a.k.a., 40 pounds.

Now, when I calm myself down, I understand that I can't expect people to have the body of a 13-21 year old forever. Just the initial shock of seeing their bloated facebook photos is alarming. And, really? 20 pounds? What are you doing?! I can understand 7-10 pounds here or there as you reach your late 20's, but good Lord people. And with all that gettin it on you're doing to make those 3 kids, you'd think the cardio would melt away some of those pounds. Also, if you are still under the age of 30 and have the time to party at classy Razzles in Daytona Beach with your buddies, there's no excuse as to why you are a fatty. Go outside and bench press the cinder blocks your car is sitting on, or chase around your 4 dogs.

The people who have shocked me the most are the people I saw just a few months ago. Either while I was still living in Flagler, or when I came home for winter vacation. At their peak physical shape, and now, 6-9 months later, put on a few pants sizes. Most of these people being those whom enjoy a few (read: 17) beers a night, and now that they are near the end of their college years, don't have the metabolism or liver like they used to. Some though, I could NEVER envision overweight. If you showed me my current Facebook 8 years ago, I would've had a lot less self-esteem issues throughout school. "Yeah, invite that future fat chick/mom-of-two-when-she's-20 to prom. I'm good, thanks."

I hope no one is reading this right now thinking about me, "I laugh at your Facebook everyday fat ass!" My vow as of this day for my future is to gain only wrinkles and fame.

Two Heads Are Funnier Than One

2009-07-16T14:42:00.001-07:00

Here's a survey Keri and I completed last night called "Complete the Sentence". We each answered individually.

1) My ex...
Keri- Has a REALLY ugly girlfriend. I'm not just saying that because I'm bitter. We're talkin elephant-like legs and balding.
Ashley- Likes boys but won't admit it to me.

2) Maybe I should...
Keri- Be less critical of fat, balding individuals. Ah hell, she's ugly.
Ashley- Shower more often.

3) I love...
Keri- Being sexy.
Ashley- Food. All the time.

4) When I wake up in the morning...
Keri- I'm lookin like a lion.
Ashley- I'm wishing my company was the victim of a freak electrical fire so I wouldn't have to go to work EVER.

5) I lost...
Keri- This should just say "I am lost" because I really always don't know where I am/going.
Ashley- I lost...all respect for...who have I lost respect for?
Keri- There's gotta be someone. Lindsay Lohan? She's a screw up.
Ashley- Never had respect for her.
Keri- What a lez.

6) Life is full of...
Keri- Shady ass mofosss.
Ashley- Chocolates. Oh, wait. That's life is like a box of chocolates.
Keri- I watched that movie the other night! It changed my LIFE! I'm dropping out of college to be a shrimper for Bubba's sake.
Ashley-Bubba's dead.
Keri- Harsh.

7) My past is...
Ashley- Pretty boring if we're being honest.
Keri- Sad. I can't think of anything either.

8) I get annoyed with...
Keri-EVERYTHING. I'm PMSing hardcore and I hate everything living and breathing.
Ashley- That is a loaded question. I'm pretty much annoyed by everything. How about what I'm annoyed with this month? When my boss leaves people on hold for more than 5 minutes, when people have southern accents, when people don't know how to cook, when people don't eat veggies because they "dont like them", don't get me started.

9) If I had a million dollars...
Ashley-I'd give it to my parents.
Keri-That's really nice of you. I was thinking I would buy myself a yacht.
Ashley-...After I paid off my debts. That would leave them about $500.

Grandma Usin' the Intrawebs

2009-07-15T13:29:00.001-07:00

You should know a little bit about my family. They are FLAMING Republicans. They don't know why besides everyone in my family is one, and if you have (or want to have) a lot of money, you have to be a Republican. You can NEVER be a Democrat because only blacks, the poor, and atheists are Democrats. All Democrats want to do is steal your hard earned money and put it into programs that help these "people" who are too lazy to help themselves.

That said, my grandmother is one of those Republicans who doesn't know why. She watches FOX News and believes terrible email forwards full of right winged bias and bogus news.

She also sends me, and everyone she has ever met in her 60+ years, literally three to five email forwards a day. Mostly terrible political statements about Obama, or warnings about what is in your plant food, or how to keep from being raped in a mall parking lot by using your jewelry.

Today, another Obama stab. Apparently (one click on snopes.com will probably prove it wrong), a sign on the side of the road in North Carolina. I know I know, when you hear North Carolina, you automatically think, "Wow!! NC? No way! I always fancied them such a forward thinking state!"

_____________________________________________________________

START OF EMAIL:

Hats off to those North Carolinians!!!!!

Subject: Sign On Hwy 15-501 - North Carolina SIGN OF THE TIMES!!

These signs should be placed at every major intersection in the U.S.
Seen on US Hwy 15-501 at Lamm's Grove intersection. (near Durham, N.C.)

Now if only grandma could give me explanation as to why the sign says all these things about the Obama administration.

HP6 Baby!

2009-07-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

Here's what I know about Harry Potter:
-The books, I think there are 7, are extra thick.
-Harry Potter is some sort of wizard who had a terrible childhood and has a scar and plays a flying version of lacrosse.
-Hermoine (sp) is a girl who used to have crazy hair, and now they are making her prettier as the movies go on.
-Ron is a redhead, and must be the sidekick of Harry and H-Girl.
-People go ape shit over it.
-The author of the series is annoyingly unattractive for a filthy rich woman.
-Harry Potter is played by a really creepy guy named Daniel Radcliff.
-In one of the books there are giant spiders (my therapist recommended I call them "angels" so as to soothe my arachnaephobia) so I chose not to read.

Yep. That's the extent of my HP knowledge. My good friend Alex's knowledge of the same matter is just as abundant. His roommate in Boston and he decided, on a whim, to go to the midnight showing of "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" at their local cinema last night to watch some nerdy, freaky HP shit go down. Alex also geniusly decided to capture the night in what he likes to call a "live blog". While it is obviously not live anymore, the craziness of last night is forever documented.

Read the hilarity here: http://waitinginlineforhp6.blogspot.com/

Here we go...

2009-07-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

Oh boy. I'm super nervous about this blog business. There are a lot of things that have run through my mind the last couple months as I contemplated if I should start this webspace for myself:

"Do I want everyone I know to see this?" "Should I censor myself?" "Am I going to make this funny or informative?" "Do I have time to manage it?"

Andddd I finally thought:

"F it."

There are too many interesting/hilarious things that go in my life on a weekly basis that I should share with my world.

Let me share with you what you can expect from my bliggity bloggy blog:

1) Sporatic posts called, "Grandma Usin' the Intrawebs" which are going to be posts of forwards my grandmother sends me (and everyone in her address book) on a daily basis, with commentary from yours truly.

2) Hilarious posts called, "Two Heads are Funnier Than One" which will consist of online quizzes/polls/questionnaires filled out by the comedy powerhouse team of my best friend Keri Stagner and myself.

3) Updates about my daily life here in the L to the A.

4) The occasional rant about the things I like or don't.

5) Probably some other random crap.

Wow. This sounds super lame so far, I hope I can live up to the hype I've created in my head for this thing. Stay tuned.