CLEAN Program Week 2 Completed

I got to spend some quality time with a good friend this evening. I've been very lucky lately. I can just put out a call on Facebook, and it's answered. Last week it was, "What's going on tonight LA buds?" and I got a text 20 minutes later about joining some friends for a night out. Today it was, "Who wants to get drinks tonight?" and my great friend Alex answered my cry.

I've been struggling to get out of the wreckage of this break up. It's been better lately, but the loneliness itself is crippling sometimes. I told Alex that I've taken on my lonely moments as a challenge. A pain I have to get through, as if I had a cramp that I was waiting to pass. Just breathe through the stretch, be still, and it will be over, and once the darkness is gone, I feel as if I've accomplished something. I got through the pain of loneliness, if only for that one night.

She reminded me of the freedom of being my own person apart from a relationship; any relationship for that matter. She reminded me that in the quiet moments of life, I can do whatever I want. Whatever I want. I realized, that's so true. A smile crept across my face as I thought of all the possibilities that I could take advantage of in those lonely moments. She told me, "Just think of what YOU really want to do in that moment. What YOU want, not what anyone else wants, or what you want to do with someone else, what do YOU want, right then and there, and do it. No one else is around to stop you or judge you. I could tell someone tomorrow and laugh about it with them, or it could be my secret."

I could drive to the 24 hour CVS and get some ice cream.
I could watch Father of the Bride on Netflix.
Go see a midnight movie.
Drive to the beach.

I left her house, and immediately felt lonely, so I did what I used to really like to do. Back when I used to drive to Mark's apartment, I'd listen to Mat Kearney on the highway in the dark as I drove alone all the way to Pasadena. I used to love that time with myself. I'd blast the music, really dig into the lyrics, and the darkness made the melancholy music even more emotional and moving. Tonight I put on the new Mat Kearney album, and drove home in the dark. I got to my street, and just kept going. I went all through Larchmont until the album started again, then I made my way into my garage. It was a bit bittersweet, but great. I missed doing that.

She also reminded me to do things that make me feel better about myself. I have worked out everyday for the last 2 weeks because of that reason. It just makes me feel better about ME. The cleanse is going, well, okay. Not the greatest. But I'm seeing a difference in my body, which I'm super excited about, and I'm not giving up. Even though I've stumbled a few times, I'm going to finish it out. I made up a vegetarian crabcake recipe the other day:

Cauliflower
Veganaise
Old Bay seasoning
Dijon mustard
Gluten free breadcrumbs
Sunflower oil

Toss the cauliflower florets in olive oil and salt, roast in a 400 degree oven for 25 minutes until fork tender. Mash in a bowl (it will resemble lump crab meat!) Add veganaise, dijon, Old Bay, and breadcrumbs as if you were making normal crab patties. Form into cakes, fry in a quarter of an inch on Sunflower oil.

It was actually an accidental recipe. I had roasted the cauliflower and was mashing it to make faux mashed potatoes, but the consistency ended up coming out looking like coarse crab meat. :)

My boss left yesterday to shoot in Boston and will be gone for at least three months. He hired a temp assistant to take care of stuff for him while he's up there, which I'm not sure if I should be relieved or offended by. Anywho, looks like I basically have a three month paid vacation ahead of me. I'm not sure what my schedule is going to look like without him around, but I'm guess preeeetty slow. I'm going to do some traveling, cooking classes, I will probably (gasp!) take some workshops and try to audition for stuff. I can definitely get a few projects done in three months, right? This job is panning out to be a pretty sweet deal.