New York Living

Hi All.
I know you've been ITCHING for me to start my blog up again, haven't you?! :)

Thanks to all my friends and family who encourage me and cheer me on via my social networking updates. Instead of posting verbose Facebook statuses and articles I find inspiring, I've decided to start the blog up again for you to choose to read in your free time.

I have started a new entrepreneurial endeavor in my life that I'm very excited about with a product that I can really get behind. This business is changing people's lives, and I'm proud to be a part of it. I love working with such encouraging, strong, no nonsense people who understand it's about relationships and hope, not about the bottom line.

For the last 10 years, since I've been on my own, I've made the conscious decision to do everything for what I call "The Story". I want my life to be exciting, fulfilled, and an inspiration. One that reflects God's love for everyone, and leaves a legacy. To keep that goal, every decision I make is for the betterment of The Story of my life. I want to look back one day and know that I did everything I could to make my life what I wanted it to be, for myself, for those I love, and for the world at large.

I've been reading a lot lately about how to have the life you want. It's not about money, it's not about fame or racking up 1000+ friends. It's about finding a place where you are constantly happy being challenged.You MUST take risks to reap any sort of benefit. You MUST challenge yourself to reach new levels. To move forward, some degree of risk is involved. Every relationship, every new job, etc. you are welcoming possibilities that you can't see because they involve jumping in and hoping for the best. It's alarming to me the amount of people who are complacent and refuse to invest in their lives. They bitch and moan that they don't have what they want, when in reality, if you want change bad enough, you'll do anything to make it happen.

Ramit Sethi is a young, intelligent business entrepreneur with a successful website and following. I was introduced to him when I lived in LA and was looking for help with my finances. I suggest you subscribe to his emails. This is one that I received today that rings true to what I've been experiencing in my life lately. I'm sorry for the crazy spacing, but you get the drift:

"In yesterday’s email, I was trying to decide whether I should move to San Francisco even though it wasn’t the “right” financial decision.

THOUSANDS of you told me how you’d handle it.

You might be surprised by what I decided.

And in this email, I’ll share a “psychological framework” that you can use to make big decisions in your own life.

Ok, technically I should have stayed in my Palo Alto-area apartment because I had an awesome deal and I was saving tons of money every month. But I wanted to move to SF (even though my expenses would DOUBLE) so I could hang out with friends and meet new people.

I had some money in savings, so it wouldn’t be an immediate hit...but from a strictly financial analysis, I should have stayed where I was.

And yet...I DID IT. I moved to SF.

I did the analysis...then totally ignored it and went with my gut. I packed my bags and moved into a new SF apartment weeks later.

Guys, sometimes you have to make decisions NOT on the financial analysis, but on what intuitively feels right. This is why the “debt snowball” works, even though it’s not the mathematically correct way to pay off debt. A lot of engineers and economists reading this are sputtering right now, saying, “Bu...but Ramit...what about the NUMBERS???” These people find more comfort in Excel models than in the reality of how humans actually behave.

My decision to move wasn’t just a random decision. This is a pattern I’ve seen among my top-performer friends over and over: They make decisions that seem ultra-risky to outsiders...but what those people don’t see is the way top performers think about risk.

Key MISTAKES people make when thinking about risk:

·       Most people think all risk = bad. If I quit my job, I’ll be out on the street! If I invest in the market, I’ll lose all my money! If I try to start something new, I’ll fail...and then it’s all over for me! Waa (cue sad Hans Zimmer orchestral music)

·       And so many people live a life of fear insidiously bubbling under the surface...never powerful enough to cause them to change, but just deep enough to get them to stay where they are, paddling in the same place for life

Key POSITIVE psychological frameworks that top performer use:

·        If you use the Tripod of Stability, you can keep the major things in your life stable...so you can be afford to be ultra risky on a few core things

·        Top performers are confident enough in their own abilities that they can jump “feet-first” into situations, counting on their own skills to help figure it out

·        Does this always work? No. But even if the worst happens...how bad is it really? I would have just packed up and moved back down if I couldn’t afford it

I call these psychological frameworks “Success Triggers,” and I want to share more of them with you.

Think about it. The idea of carefully weighing your risks/potential rewards...and knowing when to step out on the ledge and take a risk...that is an incredibly powerful Success Trigger.

When was the last time you let a risk hold you back and wait until you were “ready”?

And when did you say, “Screw it -- I’m going to try this and see what happens”?

Which one gave you MORE? MORE options, MORE results, MORE freedom?

That’s the power of employing a Success Trigger, or psychological framework, to guide you in the tough decisions you face.

(By the way, guess what? A month after moving, I got a $20,000 raise. I NEVER expected it. I never planned for it. But when I moved to SF, I knew I would force myself to start thinking bigger.)

Life coaches, AKA unemployed people who give other people advice, would call this “manifesting success.” I don’t know about that, but I do know that top performers routinely step into situations they’re not “technically” equipped for...knowing that they trust themselves to find a way to succeed.

Examples of applying this Success Trigger:

- Applying for a job where you don’t “technically” meet the requirements

- Emailing someone who’s “technically” way more important than you to meet for coffee - Joining a course that’s slightly more advanced than you’re “technically” ready for...but busting your ass to ramp up quickly..."

CLEAN Program: Completed

I did it. Finished the program. Not with the exact, drastic results I was hoping for, but results nonetheless. I lost a healthy 7 pounds (with my frame, not that you can tell) and felt a lot cleaner. No more stomach aches, itchy skin, or midafternoon naps.

Then my mom came to visit and it all went to shit. We ate Mexican food, and cheese after carb after cheese. She also got me back into the habit of making coffee every morning. Whoops. And now my digestive aches are back, and my mood swings. Boooo. But, I have been working out at least 4-5 days a week, and it feels great. My arms look a lot different.



I was asked last week to be a bridesmaid in my good friend Mandy's wedding to the wonderful and handsome Eric Phillips. I'm honored and excited! I've never been in a friend's wedding before! I'm also blessed that I have the free time and financial means to be involved. Mandy and Eric are super fun, I'm sure the wedding and everything surrounding it will be nothing less than off the hook.

I was able to take a casting workshop this past weekend with one of the ladies I read for during the early 2011 pilot season. She's a sweet lady, but not really casting much at the moment. I at least got to refresh her of my face and resume, and it got me up and reading again, which was nice. I have a few friend projects lined up as well that will exercise my muscle.

October will hopefully be a busy travel month for me! My girlfriends and I are planning a trip to Santa Barbara, I'll be meeting Caron in San Fran in the middle of the month, then hopefully going home to Florida at the end for some family time and to cheers Mandy and Eric at their engagement party. We'll see how it all works out. Like I said, I'm very blessed that I have the flexibility to do all this.

On a more serious note, I've had a very odd week emotionally. Maybe it's the coffee, but I'm in a bit of a funk and I can't put my finger on why. I had to remind myself again today that I can no longer live my life for someone other than myself. I worry so much about the decisions I make on a daily/weekly basis, but not for myself, but what other(s) will think. It's exhausting. I believe I am a smart, capable woman who makes good decisions for a 25 year old who doesn't really know what she's doing in life, and I need to be confident in that. I'm happy with my life. I really am. I believe God is working and pleased. I shouldn't continuously stress over if everyone else is happy with my life. I don't need to explain things to anyone, or plot out my life path for everybody. Mostly because I can't even do that for my mind's sake. I guess what I'm saying is, I should not base my decisions on what could go wrong if I choose one way or the other. Everything always works out in life, because I have a good head on my shoulders, and people who love me (all thanks to God, big ups Dude). I won't wait around to make a move because, "What if so and so shows back up?" "Should I go on this trip, what if I all of the sudden don't have the money?" "Do I feel like explaining this to my family?" I'm going to do what feels right for me, on a daily basis, and hope God is pleased, and ask that everyone else, who is not omnipotent and the creator of the universe, trusts me...and that includes myself. Feel free to draw conclusions based on what I've written here, what you see across the interwebs....they're probably not true.

Speaking of, my boss isn't getting married or adopting, or having anything to do with Sandra Bullock. I know it's hard to believe that people can make a successful, lucrative business out of selling fodder, but they do. I know, I know; the world is screwed up. So, no matter what you read in the "magazines", it's not true. It's sad because you want to feel like you're connected and "in the know" but unfortunately, it's all fabricated. You may even be thinking now, "Psh, no it's not. There's always some truth." Well, yes, but the "some truth" is always something really boring that they push into something more exciting. Until a story has a solid person speaking on the party's behalf, ("a friend close to the couple", "an insider" are made up, kids) don't believe it. I'm sorry to crush you like this, but, just one of the secrets of Hollywood. Oh, and almost everyone has had plastic surgery. Just think about all of that before you text me or send me FB messages, not that I don't love hearing from you!

Okay, I've blown your mind enough for one day. 'Til next time, watch Season 9 of Ellen that premiered yesterday!!! (Said that for Gina, love you girl.)

CLEAN Program Week 2 Completed

I got to spend some quality time with a good friend this evening. I've been very lucky lately. I can just put out a call on Facebook, and it's answered. Last week it was, "What's going on tonight LA buds?" and I got a text 20 minutes later about joining some friends for a night out. Today it was, "Who wants to get drinks tonight?" and my great friend Alex answered my cry.

I've been struggling to get out of the wreckage of this break up. It's been better lately, but the loneliness itself is crippling sometimes. I told Alex that I've taken on my lonely moments as a challenge. A pain I have to get through, as if I had a cramp that I was waiting to pass. Just breathe through the stretch, be still, and it will be over, and once the darkness is gone, I feel as if I've accomplished something. I got through the pain of loneliness, if only for that one night.

She reminded me of the freedom of being my own person apart from a relationship; any relationship for that matter. She reminded me that in the quiet moments of life, I can do whatever I want. Whatever I want. I realized, that's so true. A smile crept across my face as I thought of all the possibilities that I could take advantage of in those lonely moments. She told me, "Just think of what YOU really want to do in that moment. What YOU want, not what anyone else wants, or what you want to do with someone else, what do YOU want, right then and there, and do it. No one else is around to stop you or judge you. I could tell someone tomorrow and laugh about it with them, or it could be my secret."

I could drive to the 24 hour CVS and get some ice cream.
I could watch Father of the Bride on Netflix.
Go see a midnight movie.
Drive to the beach.

I left her house, and immediately felt lonely, so I did what I used to really like to do. Back when I used to drive to Mark's apartment, I'd listen to Mat Kearney on the highway in the dark as I drove alone all the way to Pasadena. I used to love that time with myself. I'd blast the music, really dig into the lyrics, and the darkness made the melancholy music even more emotional and moving. Tonight I put on the new Mat Kearney album, and drove home in the dark. I got to my street, and just kept going. I went all through Larchmont until the album started again, then I made my way into my garage. It was a bit bittersweet, but great. I missed doing that.

She also reminded me to do things that make me feel better about myself. I have worked out everyday for the last 2 weeks because of that reason. It just makes me feel better about ME. The cleanse is going, well, okay. Not the greatest. But I'm seeing a difference in my body, which I'm super excited about, and I'm not giving up. Even though I've stumbled a few times, I'm going to finish it out. I made up a vegetarian crabcake recipe the other day:

Cauliflower
Veganaise
Old Bay seasoning
Dijon mustard
Gluten free breadcrumbs
Sunflower oil

Toss the cauliflower florets in olive oil and salt, roast in a 400 degree oven for 25 minutes until fork tender. Mash in a bowl (it will resemble lump crab meat!) Add veganaise, dijon, Old Bay, and breadcrumbs as if you were making normal crab patties. Form into cakes, fry in a quarter of an inch on Sunflower oil.

It was actually an accidental recipe. I had roasted the cauliflower and was mashing it to make faux mashed potatoes, but the consistency ended up coming out looking like coarse crab meat. :)

My boss left yesterday to shoot in Boston and will be gone for at least three months. He hired a temp assistant to take care of stuff for him while he's up there, which I'm not sure if I should be relieved or offended by. Anywho, looks like I basically have a three month paid vacation ahead of me. I'm not sure what my schedule is going to look like without him around, but I'm guess preeeetty slow. I'm going to do some traveling, cooking classes, I will probably (gasp!) take some workshops and try to audition for stuff. I can definitely get a few projects done in three months, right? This job is panning out to be a pretty sweet deal.

CLEAN Program Week 1 Completed

First week is done! I can’t believe it.

I’m going to be completely honest...I’ve cheated. More than a few times. Nothing crazy, I haven’t binged, but one of my childhood friends came into town last Saturday, and I had some ice cream in the late afternoon and two cocktails late in the night. Monday I was taken out to dinner by one of my mentees, and I couldn’t find anything on the menu that would completely pass the elimination diet, so I had a salad and some tomato soup (tomatoes are a big no-no.) But I do have to say, 85% of my last 7 days has been right on track. I haven’t missed any of my supplements, and I have a shake for breakfast, and eat super healthily besides a few slip ups. I either have a shake for dinner, or aren’t hungry enough for dinner. I feel lighter, I wake up more well rested, and my itchy skin has really subsided. My clothes are fitting a little less tight, and my hair and nails are growing like crazy.

Making these shakes every morning and night is becoming a fun challenge for me. I just look in the fridge and guess what would pair well, and it turns out pretty great! Here are a few of my favorites I’ve made up:

Choco Coco

1 scoop chocolate Nourish

1 scoop Move

2 drops stevia

1 packet powdered greens

handful of dried coconut shreds

8 oz. unsweetened coconut milk

Blueberry Mint

1 scoop vanilla Nourish

1 scoop Move

heaping handful of blueberries

fist full of spinach

3 ripped up mint leaves

8 oz almond milk

Mango Coconut

1 scoop vanilla Nourish

1 scoop Move

1 packet powdered greens

1 cup mango chunks

1 drop stevia

small handful of dried coconut shreds

8oz unsweeted coconut milk

Tuesday I made homemade gluten free crackers! So easy!! You roll out the slab of dough on a baking sheet at 400 for 20 minutes, and then break it into crackers after it cools. They taste good, and I’ve been eating them with guacamole or tuna.

Kinda fun, right? I’m a nerd.

I’m finally sleeping in my own bed again! The two-week house sitting period is over. It looks like I won’t be going to Boston, but the boss loved Jackson Hole so much, that he’s buying a house there, and will send me there to settle it in. He made it sound like a vacation; I think it’ll be more like a “be there to meet the contractor” type thing. Whatever, some fresh air sounds nice, although the bustle of Boston is more my speed. Hopefully I can bring someone with me so I’m not so lonely. But, who knows when that’s going to happen so no need to worry about it now.

Happy Friday everyone!

New Beginnings: CLEAN Program Day 1

The University of Dreams Girls' Night went fairly well. Only 3 of my girl friends ended up coming with me, which proved to be pretty helpful since only about 8 Dreamers showed up. We stayed with them until midnight, had great conversation, and didn't even need to bust out the wine!


This morning I started the 21 day cleanse from the Clean program (www.cleanprogram.com). It's a detox to help eliminate built up toxins and let the digestive system rest for a bit. I've been "pre-cleansing" for about 4 days now, and today starts the real thing.



Here is a snap shot of what they call "the elimination diet". A list of foods you can and can't eat. Since I've been studying veganism, raw, and clean eating for a while now, this list makes sense to me, and I already try to eat this way normally. The only problem is, I can't cheat. At all. Blah. So, no pizza on the weekends, no wine or cocktails, and no bread. For 21 days. Honestly, I'm okay with it. This is the most prepared I've ever been for a cleanse, and it's coming at a good time in my life. I have the money and time to keep up with it, and my body needs it. My skin is bad, I'm not sleeping well, my eczema is flaring up like crazy...it's time.

The day is as follows: A shake in the morning consisting of these ingredients:

The powdered greens are something I added in myself because it's easier to drink them than eat them, especially that many in a day. You'd need about 6 sturdy greens salads to make up for what's in that little packet, and even with the blessing of Whole Foods and in LA there's a farmer's market everyday, I still wouldn't be able to readily find some of the super greens that are in the packet (spirulina, sorel, etc.) The Move powder is a soluble fiber that helps with "elimination" (a nicer way to say "pooping") and the Nourish is a protein powder fortified with nutrients and a few minerals; I have a canister of vanilla flavored and one of chocolate flavored. I've been having smoothies or juices in the morning for a while now anyway because breakfast has never been a favorite of mine, but I've learned from the way my body reacts that I need breakfast or I'm cranky, or binge around noon, so this shouldn't be too hard of a change for me. Thanks to Gina, we have a Vitamix, so I'm lucky to have such a bad ass tool to make my shakes with. My shake this morning was a scoop of Move, scoop of chocolate Nourish, packet of greens, small handful of organic no sweetener added coconut flakes, and about 6oz. unsweetened almond milk. Pretty good actually!


Here are the supplements I must take each day. The bottles on the left are the normal things I take anyway (whole food, gluten/dairy free women's multi, omega 3-6-9, and Holy Basil, only in the morning), and the rest are 3 times a day. There is also a refrigerated probiotic I have to take every morning on an empty stomach.

Lunch is a meal from the elimination diet, and more supplements. There is no portion control, just eat until you're about 80% full. You should be drinking plenty of water (duh).

Dinner is another shake, same ingredients as the morning, although I'll probably leave out the green packet, plus the supplements. THIS is going to be hard for me. I've made a very bad habit of making dinner the biggest meal of my day, which is probably why I don't see any change in my body or sleep regimen even though I'm working out 4-5 times a week. My friends work 9-5(ish) jobs, and the only time I can see them is in the evening, and what do normal Americans do in the evening? Eat dinner after work. Birthday parties, and weekend get togethers are going to be hard as well since I can't drink or eat. I'm planning on downing a smoothie and my supplements before going to a party so that I'm full and won't want to eat or drink.

I'm sure I'm going to get lots of shit for this, especially when this cleanse has to bleed into social settings. "Why? You're not fat!" "You don't need to lose weight!" etc.
1) Thank you, but yes I do. I'm not happy with the way my body looks, especially in a bathing suit, so I'm going to trim down a bit.
2) My insides need some serious cleaning. If you know me well, you know that I've had a lot of random and a bit scary health problems the last 7 years or so, and I need to nip them in the bud.
3) I've been going through a ton of stress lately, and this is something that I can control and be proud of. Working on my health, and eventually doing cleanses is something I've been looking forward to for a long time, but never had the funds to do. My horoscope in August says to not start anything new, but work on things you've been putting off for a while, or started and never finished. Well, this is something I've been building up to do for a while now.

As you know, I love food very much, all kinds, so this is going to be both the most difficult thing ever, and the best thing ever. Cooking is my passion, and I constantly think of food and meals. Food Network is my drug of choice and Ryan has the Cooking Channel so I've been indulging in that while I'm living at his house, which then leads to cravings, which then leads to me randomly making broiled steaks and gratins at 9pm at night like a weirdo. I need to fill my headspace with something else. I want to read more, walk around my neighborhood more, find new music.

So, if you'd please encourage me and pray for me during this process. I'm excited for the rejuvenation it will garner. It will be tough, but I've had tougher, right? :) I will keep you updated each day. If you have any questions, or want to know more, please ask. I love raw, organic living and if you want to get started, it's a lifestyle I wholeheartedly recommend. One of my many goals in life is to become mostly raw, and continuously learn about my body and the way nature intended it to be.

Brain Farts

I'm not your average PMSer. Why yes, I am prone to the "standard" type-A bitch fits, shameful carb binging, and crying over the Crazy Stupid Love 30 second movie trailer in between sobbing uncontrollably watching Surprise Homecoming. But one thing I'm thankful for during these 6 days of terrorism, is my superhero-like creativity.

It happened last night. I was parked at In N Out by LAX at 11:30pm. Listening to Drake's "Marvin's Room" and eating a hamburger and a fry well done. (I wasn't joking about the carb binging.) I had the most brilliant, actually feasible idea for a small business. My brain was exploding. I was typing fervently with my greasy fingers into an iPhone note.

It isn't the first time. It seems about once a month I get a burst of hormone fueled entrepreneurial creativity. Last time it was to start a cooking school for little girls. (Still want to do that by the way.) The time before it was to start a smoothie food truck. (Still want to do that by the way.) Some times they're little: Have a dinner party! I bet I can make ice cream with coconut milk!

A few weeks ago, as I told you, I was able to go back and speak to the intern students of University of Dreams about all that I've accomplished in the last 3 years here in Los Angeles. While it's nothing exciting, to them, it's as if I've successfully flown to the Sun. I was able to speak with a few of the girls after the seminar, and in my overstimulation I blurted out to a group of them, "OH MY GOD LET'S HAVE A LADIES NIGHT!" They were pretty excited. Once the endorphins of my new found "fame" died down, on the car ride home I thought, "What did I just promise? And what does 'ladie's night' even MEAN?" I decided to Facebook a few of my favorite ladies in the industry (who also happen to be my really close friends, aren't I the luckiest?) asking them if they'd be willing to come down to UCLA, have some wine, and speak with a bunch of 18-23 year olds about moving to LA, and "making it" in the industry. A meet and greet/Q&A if you will. Of course, because they are all fun, smart, sexy, successful women who also happen to be the sweetest people alive, most actually obliged!

Last night as I waited for Elise to land, I had this epiphany about what Los Angeles was lacking: Bad ass women in the industry. Now, don't get me wrong, there are upstanding women in the industry, but they are few and far between. LA is full of low self esteem plastic cougars, Playboy gold diggers, disheartened bitter singer songwriters, cowardly set PAs, and silent, terrified, ambitious girls who are ready to kick all the male directors in the balls with their talent and creativity, but don't know how, and don't have a voice. We need a community to back these girls up. We need to encourage the future bad ass women of Hollywood to come forward with conviction and be people worth celebrating. We have "Women in Hollywood" organizations around here, but its strictly based on achievements and millions made. I want to promote and honor truly good people. Who the core of them is to reach their dreams and be the best they can be as a woman.

I decided I need to create an outlet for girls moving to LA, or those who have been here but can't find good role models or a good community of healthy, fun, hard working, kind women to build them up and encourage them. We need a young women's society that has the Hollywood community in mind. We'd hold mixers and meetings every week to give these girls a place to network. Seminars from top, respected women in the industry who made it to where they are not by being a back stabbing bitch, but by hard work, passion, friendliness, and thankfulness. We'd travel to other cities, or set up an online community to answer questions from girls who have thought to move here, but are crippled by fear of the unknown. While I haven't achieved all my career goals, I'm still in the very beginning stages, I feel like I have a lot of advice to give about being out here, and about self esteem and growing up in general. I want girls to see how proud my friends and I are, and know they can be the same. And it will only get better as each of us continues to grow and accomplish in this town.

I am thankful for all the good people I have as friends here. Successful, driven, worthy women who glorify those around them and are always looking for ways to help others and improve themselves as an individual. It sets me on fire! And we need to spread it! This UOD Girls Night is just the beginning.

Lookie Lookie!

Oh man. Hello World. I just finally crawled out of my hole a year later to update you on the end of 2010, and now most of 2011.

First off, really sorry about my absence. I'm not gonna lie, I got lazy, then busy, then depressed, and now, I'm slowly getting out of the depression, and into a new phase of my life.

So much has happened, I can't possibly catch you up on all of it. Let's hit a few highlights, shall we?

1) I'm single. Don't ask because I'll start to cry and shut myself in my apartment for another 8 months. Just know that I am. Not being in love anymore sucks, but at least now, 8 months later and a few years of seeing it coming, I am on the road to recovery. I finally see all the opportunity that is ahead of me, and I am doing my best to stay busy, not wallow in loneliness, and see myself for who I really am: Strong, funny, beautiful, ambitious, and a little crazy. :) My friends have been nothing but supportive and make sure I'm not slitting my wrists. I'm contemplating seeing a counselor to help me move on a little better. I'll document that drama as it unfolds when the time comes.

2) I don't work at Soho House anymore. Woo hoo! I got a new opportunity through a friend of a friend, and now my finances are stable, and I have a lot of free time to enjoy my life. I am planning on taking a lot of trips, cooking classes, and volunteer opportunities. Because of the situation, I unfortunately can't audition. But, I am justifying this position by acknowledging that my finances were/are in disarray, and I need this next year to claw out of a bit of the $40k debt I've buried myself in. Also, I'm in my 20's. Officially in my late 20's. I need to live a little, stop worrying so much, and have fun! My official motto for the rest of 2011 and 2012: HAVE FUN, NOT ANXIETY ATTACKS. Oh, and make my boss fall in love with me and Jesus, which is a feat in itself so it will take most of my attention.

3) My friends are the most amazing people. 2011 has been an amazing time for friends in my life. And the kind of friends who reciprocate and understand. They aren't just "fun", they are kind, reliable, and a necessity. God is showing up in the form of some of the most fascinating, and supportive people I've ever had the privilege to call friends.

4) My little sister is married. Wow. But she seems happy. She told me this morning that she weighs the most she ever has. Which ALWAYS happens. You get married, you get fat. I'm serious. Look at everyone you know who got married in the last 2 years on Facebook. Compare pictures. Bigger? Yep. Also, her husband got a new meat smoker so they've been experimenting for the last two weeks straight. I'm sure that probably has something to do with it.

5) I'm still in the same apartment. My parents came to visit this past week, so with my daddy and mommy's help, I was able to hang some curtains, pictures, and organize. Gina has been out of town (summer hiatus again) since June 19th. I went Rambo on her bathroom and bedroom about two weeks ago, and the hall closet is immaculate.

6) Still training and working out. I am a part of two classes I really enjoy, and I train at LA Fitness with the same trainer about once a week. I don't look too much different, but I'm definitely more defined. I still wear the same size, but I'm working on the diet part of my fitness routine. I have eliminated blatant dairy from my diet. By blatant, I mean, I still eat it in sauces, baked goods, and I have eggs every once in a while if I feel like it. It's helped a lot. I had a small glass of milk this past week and almost cried from how bloated I felt. I don't eat a lot of meat or pasta, and I take vitamins every day. My next paycheck I am going to do the Clean Detox for 21 days. I know it seems like a lot, but I'm not going into it cold turkey. I've been prepping for a big detox for the last 10 months or so, slowly eliminating things and changing my diet, reading and researching, and now I think I can really follow through and do it right. Plus, I'm paying a pretty penny for it, so that would motivate anybody. I WILL be a size 6 by the time summer is over!

7) One of my goals for the rest of the year is to move my older sister, Caron, out here. I have a network of people finding her job opportunities. :) If you know of any in the LA area, please alert me.



I believe that's about it for now. Stay tuned, I promise my life will get exciting.

Update

Well, life is going okay. Besides the whole "being broke" thing, stuff's moving along.

Mark and I got our anniversary trip sorted out, planned, and paid for. We're going to Dana Point to relax on the beach and go whale watching, and explore Catalina Island for a long weekend. I'm going to need it.

I started my intensive sitcom acting class this past Wednesday. For three Wednesdays in a row I have a 6 hour class, then every day in between we are required to practice in small groups at least 3 hours a day. Its really hard to find 3 extra hours in my day. I've found myself scheduling stuff back to back for the last 6 days. Literally, from 9am-11pm I'm back to back. No rest in between. I finally had a day off yesterday. I took the whole day off. I didn't go to rehearsal and decided I'd make it up on Wednesday before my marathon class. I slept in, went to brunch, went to the park and took a 2 hour nap on a blanket in the sun, then Gina cooked us dinner and then I went to a UCB show. It was a great day. Now I'm back to the grind for a while I guess.

The class is pretty great and I'm meeting some really sweet people. It gives me confidence that mostly all the people in the class actually work as actors and go on auditions constantly and book jobs.....and they really aren't good. lol. I'm really one of the top 5 in the class. It makes me feel good about myself that I don't have any experience, haven't acted in years, and I'm kicking these peoples' butts. Maybe I'll make it after all. I'm learning so much and I really like being in the swing of things again.

I got to film a project with my Reveille friends this past weekend which was super fun. JD and I vowed a while ago that we were going to make projects together, so this is just the start. It was a great time.

I finally balled up and talked to Howard about helping me find a manager. He's been really great about it considering he's Howard. And probably because I see him at Soho House all the time to bother him about it. :) He is going to make some calls for me, he wants me to gather a list of people that I want him to call that would possibly meet with me and be interested in me. Tonight at work he introduced me to this dude who is involved with Generate Management in LA. They rep a lot of comedians. The dude and I exchanged email addresses and he gave me his direct line. He was very interested and Howard talked me up. I googled the company later and found out I had just met the CEO. Ha. So, I'll shoot him an email tomorrow I guess. Exciting!

Soho is still boring me to death, but at least I get to see and talk to cool people. I met Jennifer Anniston tonight, and while we didn't talk about anything significant, I still got to TALK to her. Pretty cool. And lots of others too. I saw Sting, talked to Bret Easton Ellis for a bit. Sarah Silverman and I joke together all the time, and Mindy Kaling and I had a moment the other day. Pretty amazing. I can't let it become mundane and everyday, ya know? I'm trying to be grateful and remember how much the me now wouldn't have believed me last year. I try to forgot how bored I am, how fat I am compared to all the other girls who walk in here, how much my feet hurt, how much money I don't have...and all these other bad thoughts.

Mark had to pay for the majority of my expensives at the beginning of this month. Kind of embarrassing and I feel bad, but I literally couldn't afford it. Sucks, but I'm so so grateful he's here and willing to help me. Thank GOD.

We started a new bi-weekly Bible study with some people from Florida who live out here. We met them through some kids we worked at camp with for a few years. It's really nice to sit in a room with people who share some common bonds and look around and see all the flip flops and talk about Steak N Shake. :) Mark has more time than me to go to church these days. I'm usually working or doing something else on Sundays, but he manages to go often and is getting involved. He talked to some of the leaders last Sunday about helping out with the high schoolers. He's so good at that.

The gym is going..eh..okay. I've had a trainer for almost 3 months now, and I haven't seen any significant changes. A little tighter, but now all my clothes are tight. I'm not doing it right apparently. I have to be better about doing cardio in between sessions, so I'm going to work on that this month and see what changes. I've been trying to eat less too. I already eat pretty healthy, I just eat A LOT. :) I'm going to work on portion control too.

Gina wrapped this season of Ellen yesterday and left this morning to go home to Chicago to visit for a whole month since she's on hiatus now. Lucky! I'll miss her, but it's kind of fun to have the house to myself. I'm contemplating putting an ad on craigslist to see if anyone needs a place for the next 20 or so days haha. Nah. But its tempting.

Mother's Day!

My mom is the best. I know everyone says that about their moms, but, I'm sorry, you apparently haven't met mine. She's sincere, sassy, classy, strong, isn't afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve, invested, educated and independent. As I get older I realize she exudes all the good qualities I strive to have. Its true that you never stop growing up. I've gotten to witness the ways she's grown as a person in the last few years, and I'm so proud of her. She has been through a lot in her 39 years (haha) and she continues to perservere and get stronger, more compassionate, and just plain awesome (which I don't know how that's possible because she has always been the greatest).

At this time in my life, I am overwhelmed by her willingness to just be there for me. I take that for granted. I just recentled discovered that that's the quality I need the most, yet I don't even think about it, and I'm sorry for that. She has always been there for me WHENEVER, and will drop everything. I have never not been able to get a hold of her, or not get her love or encouragement. She has abounding energy for me. Its literally unbelieveable. She never grows weary or tired of me or my sisters' dumbness. She never wants to "get away" from us, I don't recall ever hearing her say or insinuating that she "doesn't have time" for something we need or want. She will spend her last dime and the only free minute of her day to make us happy and healthy.

So, to my mommy on this day and always, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for what you have taught me, the ways you've helped me, your encouragement and your stubbornness, your completely unconditional love, and for always being there. I realize more and more everyday how your sacrifices and love have shaped who I've become and who I've becoming, and I'm so grateful to have a mommy who's not only loving, kind and a good listener (among many other things), but a really great friend. I hope you know how much you are loved. I am so proud of the person I am, and I owe it completely to you.

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!

Jitters

I have been having such awful anxiety for the last few weeks. Its not my normal, random anxiety attacks, its ALL THE TIME. I wake up with the jitters and the worries. I can't fall asleep. My body is so exhausted, but my mind feels like it needs to run 45 miles to get the energy out. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. All last week I cried my face off to Glee and Idol Gives Back.

I just traveled to Florida to visit my family for a few days, and it was really nice. I finally got used to the weather on my way to the airport to come back to LA. I didn't get any sleep, but the few hours I was there were relaxing. I didn't have to work which was a nice reprieve. I went to church, the beach, and got to spend a few hours on a yoga retreat. I ate some good food and got to laugh with my sisters. I didn't get to see much of my daddy or my best friend though. :( Next time I guess.

Spoke with some dude two weeks back about him being my manager. He was very convincing, said all the right things, and seemed very legit. No red flags whatsoever. I spoke with some of my other friends about the meeting just to bounce off some ideas and they all told me to go for it. The way it works obviously, is that I don't pay anyone for any type of representation unless I'm getting jobs through them. In other words, they work on commission. Good thing, because I sent this guy all the shit he asked for from me (not that much work on my part honestly; he wanted my other headshots and a short email about my career goals) and I never heard from him again. Weird. He was like, practically begging me to be his client. Whatever. Onto the next one. I'm working on sending out a mass mailing to some management companies I've been researching so hopefully at least a few bites will come from that.

Work has been quite the bore. I don't really like it all that much, and the dayshifts are so slow I want to rip my eyes out. I wish I could sit down, or be on the computer, or SOMETHING. But management are out of their minds and literally want us to just stand here. They don't want us checking our email, eating a snack, drinking anything other than water, or leaving our "post" even to go to the bathroom. So, I'm on my feet for 8 hours straight, and I just stare into space or smile at members. Or if I'm feeling bold, I just do what I want and discreetly eat a granola bar or post on my blog (whoopsies). It's the worst. Night shifts are a bit better because they are fast paced and I get to see cool people.

I need something to take up my time other than work. At least I'm not there all that much. I'm currently still trying to find a 401 class that fits my schedule. I'm nervous to take it without JD, and its been a while since I've finished 301, but the longer I wait the more anxious I get about it, so I have to just DO IT.

The weather is finally starting to get nice here. Hopefully all this work at the gym will pay off soon. Its been almost a month and I don't see any real results yet. Probably because I need to balance it with my diet (whoopsies again).

I have an appointment at the Santa Monica Wellness Center next week to see about what's going wrong with my stupid body. No crazy breakouts as of this month, but some other crap has been going on, so I really need to have someone check me out and see what's out of balance, and I refuse to go to another western practicing doctor.

What a weird, downer post, huh? Well, on a lighter note, summer is starting and I can't wait for camp and Rachel's wedding. Mark and I are trying to plan a trip for our 6 year anniversary in June. I'm thinking somewhere close to the coast down south. Capistrano? Around there. Just for a weekend.

And that's about it for now. I'll catch you up soon. Oh, and I got to see Dr. Dre last night. :)

Wowwy WOW

I. Am. So. Sorry.

American Idol is now down to the top 6. I'm so embarrassed that its been that long since I've posted anything. I'm a slightly bit more embarrassed at the fact that I'm judging my life timeline by what episode American Idol is on.

So. I work at Soho House. I had big aspirations for this place. I still do. Its just slow moving, and not at ALL like I expected. Reveille was kind of a tease, and a whole 'nother world for me. Coming to SH, I'm finally seeing the superficial, backstabing, brown-nosing, dramatic side of Hollywood, which I guess I needed to see eventually. I miss Reveille sometimes. Management knew what they were doing like they wrote the book, every single person was so sweet and kind, we all had a job to do and knew how to do it, and we didn't give a flying poop about who you were, who you you knew, what your job was, we are going to treat you the SAME as everyone else. Reveille just GOT it. Here...well...wow. Its a shit show. The management doesn't know how to manage. They don't know how to talk to their employees properly, we never get any encouragement, and they are constantly running around like a chicken with their heads cut off because none of them have a sense of security in their position. Its terrible. They are all so dramatic and up the members' butts.

Soho House is a members only club, lounge and restaurant. Its actually a pretty great concept. People come with their laptops at 9am, do all their work here, take their meetings, and stay until their dinner reservation at 7 or 8 with their family or friends. The food is amazing, the cocktails are TOP NOTCH, and the atmosphere and view is breathtaking. (I'm not allowed to take pictures but I have some on my iPhone if you'd ever like to see what it looks like, shhhh!) Its just a really chill place that can be a venue for so many things. We have private parties, pre screenings, premiere parties, but then we also have backgammon night, Mother's Day brunch, and Kid's Club. Its very ecclectic; a novel concept, I just wish the people running it were more personable, knowledgeable, and humble toward the members. We have a LOT of celebrity clientelle, and I've heard some of them complain about how "up their butt" the membership team is. Whoopsies.

My schedule is pretty good. I like to have a mixture of working nights and days, especially right now because I don't have much going on, so I'm okay being on the schedule whenever. My bank account has taken a SERIOUS dive, but I'm still doing okay on money, and I'm doing my best to be as frugal as possible (nope, that's a lie).

This month I've been trying to jump start my career. Because 1) that's what I'm here to do, and 2) I need the supplemental income. :) I have a new acting coach, Lesly Kahn, who is one of the best in the business. I took an auditioning technique class with her, and it was incredible. The vibe reminded me a lot of my days with Peter Sklar. Very relaxed, fun people, and its one on one feedback not just about your talent, but about marketing yourself. Her classes are in this really big house in Hollywood, and you come in, take off your shoes, and relax in one of the big "classrooms" which are really just big spaces with rugs, pillows and couches. There's a kitchen stocked with all these healthy snacks for us, and Lesly is super fun, so sometimes she'll get us treats like doughnuts or cookies. If we're good and she likes us. :) VERY much like my Beginnings sessions with Peter in New York. Makes me nostalgic for those times. I've signed up for a three week intensive with her and her staff at the beginning of June. She likes me a lot, and I'm excited to get training again, and get the passion back. I miss being in practice, and its made me rusty, and super self-conscious.

I finished my UCB 301 last month! I've been looking for a convenient 401 class to take. After 401...I graduate. Can you believe it? I'll be considered a legit improviser. Its getting more difficult as the classes go on, but I'm definitely getting better and its getting more fun. I've gotten a lot of my friends to sign up too, and they're having a ball. I have to get in a 401 before I lose momentum.

Last month it was announced that Glee was having an open casting on myspace.com for some new roles on the show. Now, me being the skeptic actor, and someone who's been immersed in television legal documents for the last year knows what this "casting" is all about. Its a marketing campaign. They guarantee you a "role" (aka, you are student #3, and your 15 seconds of fame is Sue Sylvester throwing you up against a wall), or more specifically they guarantee if you are "chosen" by the casting staff you will be contacted for further info. Yeah. This is all a giant marketing ploy to get myspace's popularity back up, and to draw people into the new season of Glee. I get it. It's not a huge deal if you post a serious video and have your friends rate it. But, that's why I have friends in high places. My good friend David works for FOX and talks to Glee executives a lot. He told me last night as we were filming my tape that Glee is looking for 6 new cast members: a gay boyfriend for Kurt, a really good black dude, and the rest girls. So, I guess my skepticism isn't all warranted. They are really looking for people. But whether that's through myspace, or actual backdoor agency castings...that's the real story. Another hook up is my accompanist. He gave me the info to the actual casting office of the agency who casts for Glee (we found it on imdb.com and then he did a bit more research) and I'm going to personally drop off my headshot, resume, and film to their office. So hopefully that will be helpful as well. I filmed my video last night. My wonderful friends Jesse and David helped me, and it was really fun. I haven't sang (I mean, full out, stage-level sang) in FIVE YEARS. How sad. At the accompanist on Tuesday, I sang through the song about 4 times full force, and my lungs and voice were SO tired. Last night, I did it full force 3 times, and I hurt. :( I gotta get back into it. But, the video's done, Jesse is tweaking it and editing it, and I should get it up shortly. If I like it, I'll post the link.

Today I meet with this dude Rod about possibly being managed by him. I met him through a friend at Reveille, and he is pretty legit. We'll see what he has to say. This is already the longest blot post ever, so I'll catch you up on all my management meetings in the next one. I promise to not let so much time pass in between.

And I go home to Florida for a few days next weekend!!

American Idol Season 9: DALLAS and DENVER

I stayed up until about 2am on Sunday night finally finishing the Dallas and Denver episodes.

Welp, nothing too exciting in either of the D-Towns this time around.

In Dallas, there was creepy Barney girl, who went all Britney/Christina on the judges and wanted to show how she sexily rebelled against her childhood. Snooze and sleeze fest. She wasn't that good either. She'll be gone quickly in Hollywood week hopefully.

How adorable was Todrick? Once he said he was touring with the Color Purple, I knew he had to be good, and he even made up the most clever original song about the judges and AI. Very nice. He is the epitome of the "perfect pick" to go through to Hollywood: creative, good vocals, good stage presence, humble and sane.

I am really growing to love Victoria Beckham. I saw her on Ellen, and she was very quiet, but such a doll, and then to see her on all these eps of American Idol, she is so endearing and such a sweetheart! She was the guest judge yet again in Denver.

Mark Labriolla tried to convince us that people mistake him for Jack Black. Um. #1, you don't look anything like him besides that you're overweight, and #2, you try to make every maneurism mimic Jack Black. TRYING to be Jack Black doesn't make you him darling. Annoying.

Kimberly Kerbow sang Ingrid Michaelson (good song choice). She has a very sweet voice, and deserved to go through, but was OBVIOUSLY wearing a wig. Very odd. And NO one said anything about it to her face. The judges finally briefly commented on it after she left the room. They made a whole storyline out of her singing the Rogaine line of the Ingrid song directly to Simon, who became defensive and a bit offended. Rogaine? Wig? Ironic?

Danielle Hayes blew me out of the water with her Melissa Ethridge rendition. She has such passion and I appreciate her candidness. I think I use the same judging criteria as Kara for a lot of these kids. If you've gone through some shit, your voice is going to be so passionate and moving, and she was exactly those things.

Casey James did nothing for me. He wasn't hot, and was an okay singer. Where's all the hot guys American Idol??

Did Nikki Nix remind anyone else of Tatiana from last season, minus the annoying laugh?

Haeley Vaughn is SO sweet and has a firm grasp on how to be competitive. She knows she wants to be one of the first black, pop/country stars. A great goal, and she has a great voice. A real stand out.

Danielle and Haeley were my definite two favorites out of the D-Towners. Links to their auditions below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5H-kQSJcOM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWoAgATSwK8

Give A Care

Here's an interesting thought that crossed my mind tonight: Does one live longer by caring, or by not giving a care?

I have actually been battling with this question for a long time without realizing it. It comes with being existentially anxious, so I learn to cope with this control mechanism of "caring" on a daily basis. Is that all that caring is? A way to isolate something so that you can control it yourself, and rationalize it? Let me explain: I care about people in my life. A lot. And tonight, it finally occured to me, maybe I care too much.

I once read in one of my psychology books during undergrad that people who don't have children are happier people. They are generally healthier, are more successful in their careers, and have less stress, which leads to a longer life and ultimately, a more constant happy state. Parents on the other hand, are less happy, but feel like they are contributing to the world. A parent will tell you that having their child(ren) was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to them, but I think that's just an excuse for the fact that you might as well like it because you can't get out of it now, and while yes, you can find joy in your child, you'll never know how happy you could've been without them. (There is a point to this I promise.)

I think deep down everyone has goals for themselves. You voice those goals to people you trust, sometimes work towards them, and ask people to hold you accountable in one way or another. When you fall off track, it hurts me on a deep level. I invest time in you. I talk to you whenever you want to talk, I encourage you, I am kind and patient, I laugh at your mistakes and your downfalls because I hope that you will learn and understand from them, I am there for you at all times to lend an ear, to help you, to finance you; I invest my time. Not for my own gain, but because you tell me you want to achieve these things over and over again, and that you want to work toward them, and sometimes you do, and then all of the sudden, all the work comes crashing down, and I'm just supposed to watch it happen and be okay with it because its "not my life?" Well, it is my life. Because you're my friend. And I put my emotions and effort into you, your well being, and your goals in life. When you fail, I fail. I understand people stumble, but when you blatently don't give a shit, and are an obviously strong enough person to accomplish said goals but choose to embarrass yourself and let yourself down, should I stand for that over and over again? How many times can one person talk all this talk, put in around 53% of the effort, be an idiot, and I'm supposed to just start all over again? What if I don't feel like it because it hurts? Do I care too much?

There are a few friends that I have where I see the potential in them, but I don't let myself get involved because I know they aren't trying to better themselves, are happy with who they are, and aren't asking for the "help". Not saying I friend people because they are in need of help, I'm just saying, there are those friends that you know are set in their ways, and you are fine with that. You are friends, you are close with them, but you love them for who they are because they know who they are. I guess I should just approach every friendship in that way. Tell people I don't want to hear what their expectations in life are because its going to piss me off when they ignore them.

I carry the burden of all this on my shoulders because I put a tiny bit of the blame on myself everytime you don't give a shit. That's probably my fault, and I'd probably have less stress in my life if I didn't care. But how do you just NOT care? That's impossible, and kind of rude. How do you tell your friend, "You know what, don't ask me to pray for you, or to help you get your priorities in line, or help you in this endeavor at all. Don't expound on the process of how you're going to get there and how much happier you'll be once you do, because I know you will only let me down and I don't want to put in all the 'help' you ask from me and be made a mockery of." How do you ever have close friends if you don't care, but how do you not hurt yourself in the process? How many times do you have to go through the cycle until you decide that your heart can't handle it?

Would my life be better, and could I possibly tack on a handful of years by not getting so involved? Probably. Would I have any close friends or children? No. But is it worth all the pain and stress? I haven't figured that out yet.