Give A Care

Here's an interesting thought that crossed my mind tonight: Does one live longer by caring, or by not giving a care?

I have actually been battling with this question for a long time without realizing it. It comes with being existentially anxious, so I learn to cope with this control mechanism of "caring" on a daily basis. Is that all that caring is? A way to isolate something so that you can control it yourself, and rationalize it? Let me explain: I care about people in my life. A lot. And tonight, it finally occured to me, maybe I care too much.

I once read in one of my psychology books during undergrad that people who don't have children are happier people. They are generally healthier, are more successful in their careers, and have less stress, which leads to a longer life and ultimately, a more constant happy state. Parents on the other hand, are less happy, but feel like they are contributing to the world. A parent will tell you that having their child(ren) was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to them, but I think that's just an excuse for the fact that you might as well like it because you can't get out of it now, and while yes, you can find joy in your child, you'll never know how happy you could've been without them. (There is a point to this I promise.)

I think deep down everyone has goals for themselves. You voice those goals to people you trust, sometimes work towards them, and ask people to hold you accountable in one way or another. When you fall off track, it hurts me on a deep level. I invest time in you. I talk to you whenever you want to talk, I encourage you, I am kind and patient, I laugh at your mistakes and your downfalls because I hope that you will learn and understand from them, I am there for you at all times to lend an ear, to help you, to finance you; I invest my time. Not for my own gain, but because you tell me you want to achieve these things over and over again, and that you want to work toward them, and sometimes you do, and then all of the sudden, all the work comes crashing down, and I'm just supposed to watch it happen and be okay with it because its "not my life?" Well, it is my life. Because you're my friend. And I put my emotions and effort into you, your well being, and your goals in life. When you fail, I fail. I understand people stumble, but when you blatently don't give a shit, and are an obviously strong enough person to accomplish said goals but choose to embarrass yourself and let yourself down, should I stand for that over and over again? How many times can one person talk all this talk, put in around 53% of the effort, be an idiot, and I'm supposed to just start all over again? What if I don't feel like it because it hurts? Do I care too much?

There are a few friends that I have where I see the potential in them, but I don't let myself get involved because I know they aren't trying to better themselves, are happy with who they are, and aren't asking for the "help". Not saying I friend people because they are in need of help, I'm just saying, there are those friends that you know are set in their ways, and you are fine with that. You are friends, you are close with them, but you love them for who they are because they know who they are. I guess I should just approach every friendship in that way. Tell people I don't want to hear what their expectations in life are because its going to piss me off when they ignore them.

I carry the burden of all this on my shoulders because I put a tiny bit of the blame on myself everytime you don't give a shit. That's probably my fault, and I'd probably have less stress in my life if I didn't care. But how do you just NOT care? That's impossible, and kind of rude. How do you tell your friend, "You know what, don't ask me to pray for you, or to help you get your priorities in line, or help you in this endeavor at all. Don't expound on the process of how you're going to get there and how much happier you'll be once you do, because I know you will only let me down and I don't want to put in all the 'help' you ask from me and be made a mockery of." How do you ever have close friends if you don't care, but how do you not hurt yourself in the process? How many times do you have to go through the cycle until you decide that your heart can't handle it?

Would my life be better, and could I possibly tack on a handful of years by not getting so involved? Probably. Would I have any close friends or children? No. But is it worth all the pain and stress? I haven't figured that out yet.