You Know You're Broke When You...

All of the below I have actually done within the last year. And no, they aren't from Suzie Orman. They have genuinely been compiled by yours truly.

1) Purchase a hamburger with your credit card.
2) Have to get a cash advance to pay your rent.
3) Subscribe to the LA Times Sunday Edition for $4 every 6 months just for the coupons. (I literally don't read any other part of it, except I sometimes keep the crossword puzzles.)
4) Sleep on an air mattress in your $800 apartment room for 7 months because you can't drop $500 for a bed and/or mattress.
5) Have to keep your horrible, time consuming job because you have $1400 worth of debt to pay every month.
6) Have to transfer money from your savings more than three times a month.
7) Use all of your tax return towards your credit card payment and it still only pays for a fifth of it.
8) Resort to eating 7 month old soup and crackers from crafty in your bungalow because you can't go out and buy lunch.
9) Can only fill up your gas tank to $10 every time you go to the pump.
10) Force yourself to work 14 hours a day to get the overtime money.

FML. Actually, more like L is Fing Me.

Life is forever...so don't waste any time.....?

I have many questionable friends on Facebook. And by questionable I mean obscure people from my grammar school days that used to be normal, and now are weird, trashy, thug, slutty, or just crazy. But, they make my Facebook stalking a lot more interesting.

I got a good laugh this morning from the status of a boy I grew up with.

The only reason you would pen a mantra or inspirational quote and post it on Facebook is because you personally believe it would be inspirational to others, or because you thought you sounded smart at one time in your life, and wanted to document it. Here is the forementioned status that just became my favorite of the day so far:

(I highly doubt he will be reading my blog, but I'll change his name nonetheless.)

Bevin Be La Bosa "Life is an eternity...make the most of it - Bevin Be La Bosa"
(I know, I know, I didn't have time to think of a descrete name. moving on...)

Not only did he post this for everyone to see, thinking that it was clever, he made sure everyone knew HE made it up.

Life is an eternity, make the most of it? Doesn't make sense, bud. Thank you for being my favorite status of the day. ....Please don't come shank me.

Beers and Babies

A natural and obvious fact of life as you get older is that you will be inevitably blindsided with things you had not prepared for. This week, I've been bombarded with a maturity epiphany I did not see coming:

People you know getting fatter.

Being in California, and just getting the hell out of Palm Coast in general, I don't stay in touch with a lot of my acquaintances from high school. Facebook is my link to the past. Not only are people having children (which is a whole 'nother realization I had to learn to deal with) they are gaining, ahem, "baby weight", a.k.a., 40 pounds.

Now, when I calm myself down, I understand that I can't expect people to have the body of a 13-21 year old forever. Just the initial shock of seeing their bloated facebook photos is alarming. And, really? 20 pounds? What are you doing?! I can understand 7-10 pounds here or there as you reach your late 20's, but good Lord people. And with all that gettin it on you're doing to make those 3 kids, you'd think the cardio would melt away some of those pounds. Also, if you are still under the age of 30 and have the time to party at classy Razzles in Daytona Beach with your buddies, there's no excuse as to why you are a fatty. Go outside and bench press the cinder blocks your car is sitting on, or chase around your 4 dogs.

The people who have shocked me the most are the people I saw just a few months ago. Either while I was still living in Flagler, or when I came home for winter vacation. At their peak physical shape, and now, 6-9 months later, put on a few pants sizes. Most of these people being those whom enjoy a few (read: 17) beers a night, and now that they are near the end of their college years, don't have the metabolism or liver like they used to. Some though, I could NEVER envision overweight. If you showed me my current Facebook 8 years ago, I would've had a lot less self-esteem issues throughout school. "Yeah, invite that future fat chick/mom-of-two-when-she's-20 to prom. I'm good, thanks."

I hope no one is reading this right now thinking about me, "I laugh at your Facebook everyday fat ass!" My vow as of this day for my future is to gain only wrinkles and fame.

Two Heads Are Funnier Than One

Here's a survey Keri and I completed last night called "Complete the Sentence". We each answered individually.

1) My ex...
Keri- Has a REALLY ugly girlfriend. I'm not just saying that because I'm bitter. We're talkin elephant-like legs and balding.
Ashley- Likes boys but won't admit it to me.

2) Maybe I should...
Keri- Be less critical of fat, balding individuals. Ah hell, she's ugly.
Ashley- Shower more often.

3) I love...
Keri- Being sexy.
Ashley- Food. All the time.

4) When I wake up in the morning...
Keri- I'm lookin like a lion.
Ashley- I'm wishing my company was the victim of a freak electrical fire so I wouldn't have to go to work EVER.

5) I lost...
Keri- This should just say "I am lost" because I really always don't know where I am/going.
Ashley- I lost...all respect for...who have I lost respect for?
Keri- There's gotta be someone. Lindsay Lohan? She's a screw up.
Ashley- Never had respect for her.
Keri- What a lez.

6) Life is full of...
Keri- Shady ass mofosss.
Ashley- Chocolates. Oh, wait. That's life is like a box of chocolates.
Keri- I watched that movie the other night! It changed my LIFE! I'm dropping out of college to be a shrimper for Bubba's sake.
Ashley-Bubba's dead.
Keri- Harsh.

7) My past is...
Ashley- Pretty boring if we're being honest.
Keri- Sad. I can't think of anything either.

8) I get annoyed with...
Keri-EVERYTHING. I'm PMSing hardcore and I hate everything living and breathing.
Ashley- That is a loaded question. I'm pretty much annoyed by everything. How about what I'm annoyed with this month? When my boss leaves people on hold for more than 5 minutes, when people have southern accents, when people don't know how to cook, when people don't eat veggies because they "dont like them", don't get me started.

9) If I had a million dollars...
Ashley-I'd give it to my parents.
Keri-That's really nice of you. I was thinking I would buy myself a yacht.
Ashley-...After I paid off my debts. That would leave them about $500.

Grandma Usin' the Intrawebs

You should know a little bit about my family. They are FLAMING Republicans. They don't know why besides everyone in my family is one, and if you have (or want to have) a lot of money, you have to be a Republican. You can NEVER be a Democrat because only blacks, the poor, and atheists are Democrats. All Democrats want to do is steal your hard earned money and put it into programs that help these "people" who are too lazy to help themselves.

That said, my grandmother is one of those Republicans who doesn't know why. She watches FOX News and believes terrible email forwards full of right winged bias and bogus news.

She also sends me, and everyone she has ever met in her 60+ years, literally three to five email forwards a day. Mostly terrible political statements about Obama, or warnings about what is in your plant food, or how to keep from being raped in a mall parking lot by using your jewelry.

Today, another Obama stab. Apparently (one click on snopes.com will probably prove it wrong), a sign on the side of the road in North Carolina. I know I know, when you hear North Carolina, you automatically think, "Wow!! NC? No way! I always fancied them such a forward thinking state!"

_____________________________________________________________

START OF EMAIL:

Hats off to those North Carolinians!!!!!


Subject: Sign On Hwy 15-501 - North Carolina SIGN OF THE TIMES!!

These signs should be placed at every major intersection in the U.S.
Seen on US Hwy 15-501 at Lamm's Grove intersection. (near Durham, N.C.)

Now if only grandma could give me explanation as to why the sign says all these things about the Obama administration.

HP6 Baby!

Here's what I know about Harry Potter:
-The books, I think there are 7, are extra thick.
-Harry Potter is some sort of wizard who had a terrible childhood and has a scar and plays a flying version of lacrosse.
-Hermoine (sp) is a girl who used to have crazy hair, and now they are making her prettier as the movies go on.
-Ron is a redhead, and must be the sidekick of Harry and H-Girl.
-People go ape shit over it.
-The author of the series is annoyingly unattractive for a filthy rich woman.
-Harry Potter is played by a really creepy guy named Daniel Radcliff.
-In one of the books there are giant spiders (my therapist recommended I call them "angels" so as to soothe my arachnaephobia) so I chose not to read.

Yep. That's the extent of my HP knowledge. My good friend Alex's knowledge of the same matter is just as abundant. His roommate in Boston and he decided, on a whim, to go to the midnight showing of "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" at their local cinema last night to watch some nerdy, freaky HP shit go down. Alex also geniusly decided to capture the night in what he likes to call a "live blog". While it is obviously not live anymore, the craziness of last night is forever documented.

Read the hilarity here: http://waitinginlineforhp6.blogspot.com/

Here we go...

Oh boy. I'm super nervous about this blog business. There are a lot of things that have run through my mind the last couple months as I contemplated if I should start this webspace for myself:

"Do I want everyone I know to see this?" "Should I censor myself?" "Am I going to make this funny or informative?" "Do I have time to manage it?"

Andddd I finally thought:

"F it."

There are too many interesting/hilarious things that go in my life on a weekly basis that I should share with my world.

Let me share with you what you can expect from my bliggity bloggy blog:

1) Sporatic posts called, "Grandma Usin' the Intrawebs" which are going to be posts of forwards my grandmother sends me (and everyone in her address book) on a daily basis, with commentary from yours truly.

2) Hilarious posts called, "Two Heads are Funnier Than One" which will consist of online quizzes/polls/questionnaires filled out by the comedy powerhouse team of my best friend Keri Stagner and myself.

3) Updates about my daily life here in the L to the A.

4) The occasional rant about the things I like or don't.

5) Probably some other random crap.


Wow. This sounds super lame so far, I hope I can live up to the hype I've created in my head for this thing. Stay tuned.