It's Been a Bad Week, Nothing New For October

Its been a rough one. The world knows how to file me down to the lowest bloody cuticle of annoyance, self loathing, jealousy, and remorse. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but its been once of those weeks.

October has always been a really weird month for me. I don't know if its because of the moon and sun aligning a certain way at this time of year, but October always seems to be the month I go bat shit in one way or another. I move, or change my mind about BIG things, or some other life altering change in lifestyle, all around this time of the year. Its beginning to not be a happy time for me, when it should be. I am beginning to fear my own self when October rolls around. And this past year was no different.

My LA anniversary is approaching and I should be looking back on all the things I've accomplished in this past year. For some reason this week, all I can reflect on is all my wasted time, failures, and regrets. I just keep thinking of what I was doing this time last year and how I miss it. I can't see how my life has gotten any more exciting. It seems like I started out great, then slowlyyyy got into this boring, weird normalcy. Blah-ville. I can't determine if I'm happy or not. I wish I could rewind and play this year over again and do SO many things differently. Maybe this was my big year of learning. Maybe I'm supposed to have a love/hate relationship with this past year. I can never have a do-over, and that bothers me.

I need to vow to myself that 2010 is going to be the year for me. I'm going to heal all the wounds that late 2008-2009 left behind. Most of all, I need to start a trend of making October a good month. How? No idea. But it needs to happen because I can't keep acting out in extreme ways. And I can't live in this fog anymore.

The best revenge is success. And that's all I have to say for October.