Its been a rough one. The world knows how to file me down to the lowest bloody cuticle of annoyance, self loathing, jealousy, and remorse. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but its been once of those weeks.
October has always been a really weird month for me. I don't know if its because of the moon and sun aligning a certain way at this time of year, but October always seems to be the month I go bat shit in one way or another. I move, or change my mind about BIG things, or some other life altering change in lifestyle, all around this time of the year. Its beginning to not be a happy time for me, when it should be. I am beginning to fear my own self when October rolls around. And this past year was no different.
My LA anniversary is approaching and I should be looking back on all the things I've accomplished in this past year. For some reason this week, all I can reflect on is all my wasted time, failures, and regrets. I just keep thinking of what I was doing this time last year and how I miss it. I can't see how my life has gotten any more exciting. It seems like I started out great, then slowlyyyy got into this boring, weird normalcy. Blah-ville. I can't determine if I'm happy or not. I wish I could rewind and play this year over again and do SO many things differently. Maybe this was my big year of learning. Maybe I'm supposed to have a love/hate relationship with this past year. I can never have a do-over, and that bothers me.
I need to vow to myself that 2010 is going to be the year for me. I'm going to heal all the wounds that late 2008-2009 left behind. Most of all, I need to start a trend of making October a good month. How? No idea. But it needs to happen because I can't keep acting out in extreme ways. And I can't live in this fog anymore.
The best revenge is success. And that's all I have to say for October.
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I can give you a good reason to enjoy this October-- Both Jesse and I's birthday is on October 18th. Michelle's is a week before. So we'll hopefully be having a party of sorts and the festivities and celebrations will hopefully make your month better. I see October as the month I was born into this world so I could one day meet the amazing AWalker!
ReplyDeleteI love you pretty girl ... don't stress ... wait until you're 30 and you feel like you haven't accomplished anything and have nothing to show for your life and then get back to me ;-)
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