As much as I want to, I can't please everybody. But for some odd reason, when I'm not pleasing everybody, I'm also not pleasing myself. Believe you me, I wish I had endless funds, and endless days in my week to visit people, be where I'm always supposed to be, plus find time and money for myself and my aspirations.
I don't mean to leave people in the dust. It breaks my heart when I can't attend your wedding, when I can't visit you for the weekend, when I can't send you money for your graduation, when I can't call you back for a week because by the time I can its 11pm your time, when I miss your 21st birthday party. I'm sorry. I lose sleep over it. I really do. It sucks that I can't get to know your new boyfriend, or your fiance. Or, when I do take the time and money to go to your wedding, I have never met your husband before. It sucks, and worse off, I never fully understood what a steep sacrifice I'd have to make moving here. I knew it would be tough being far from my family and friends, but I never knew how guilty I'd feel for being here.
I'm so conflicted sometimes. I love it here, I love my life, and I'm proud of who I am, what I'm learning, and where I'm going in my career. But people in my life make it seem like (whether intentionally or not) I am choosing my life over theirs, or that I am selfish for planning things for myself, or missing things because I honestly just can't make the time or pay the price. I get it. You are upset because I can't be there, but I'm trying my BEST to spread myself as thin as possible. I'm not living on the streets, but I only have so much to give in terms of funds. Believe me, my credit card company borderline hates me. I'm not staying in the office everyday of the week, but I do work 11 hour days, have a demanding boss, a boyfriend, am trying to keep some friends around me so I don't go into a depression, not to mention trying to further the REAL career I want in my "free" time. I give you the time I can when I'm not blacking out because my brain is on overload.
I moved here for a reason. And everyone knew that. I'm not here for shits, and I'm definitely not here because I like it. I'd be in Manhattan if I wanted to be somewhere that I truly loved. I'm here because I need to be to do what I want to do. Yes, its across the country, and yes, I have put myself between a rock and a hard place when it comes to having time for others, let alone myself, but everyone needs to understand I'm doing my darndest.
I don't say this to make you feel guilty for giving me a hard time, but I am working hard out here. Honestly, probably harder than a lot of you will ever work, or have worked in your life. Hopefully, it will be the hardest I'll ever have to work/have worked in my life. You're not here to see me hustle. I'm not being melodramatic, slash ghetto, and saying, "You don't knowww me", but...you don't know. I don't know anyone that will be reading this that understands what my life is like right now. And I'm definitely fine with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I can't go 90 and you only go 10. We need to be at a common understanding that I'm trying my best, and you are also trying your best. I'm spending every last penny (and every last fake dollar of my high interest credit limit) to make everyone, and sometimes myself, happy. I will drive hours to see you. I will buy $400 plane tickets to come to your wedding where you barely speak to me, I'm in Palm Coast/Flagler Beach for less than 48 hours, and take 5 hour plane rides straight back to my 60+ hour a week job at 6am on a Monday morning. I'll fly home for whirlwind weekends where I need to schedule time to see 15 people in a 35 hour period. I will call you, albeit its at midnight. I will send you a birthday gift, though I can't be there in person. I'll send my condolences via phone, though I'm sorry I can't be there to give you hugs and make you brownies. I AM TRYING. It hurts me that I am merely a shadow in your life, but please, don't make me feel bad for following my dreams and trying to make it work. I am giving you everything I can, while still trying to salvage a bit for me. Its hard when I'm expected to make time and pull funds out of my orafices, while many don't understand that, sometimes, I need you to do the same. And not only do the same, but also realize that I'm going to NOT be able to do it everytime.
Like I said before: I'm here for a reason. I need the weekends to take classes. I need those "dollas" for headshots. I need the extra minutes/hours/days I have to actually feel like I live here and pay rent for a reason more than just storage of my belongings, the occasional nights of sleep, and a shower every now and then. To be honest, sometimes I want to dish out a few hundo to eat a fancy dinner and buy some shoes on Melrose instead of paying $280 for jet lag, gossip about my sister's terrible relationship, and a guilt trip about how I didn't spend 4 of my 48 hours going to a shower party for a girl I haven't seen or talked to in 7 years.
I appreciate those that make the effort and spend the money to come see ME. Thank you to those who continue to call and leave me non-condescending voicemails until I get the chance to call you back and have more than a 2 minute conversation with you. And all of you, if you ever, EVER want to come visit me, I will take all the time I have to be with you while you are here. I will even do my best to foot every bill I can. If you can't come see me, I will make sure I carve out time when I come home to spend with you and only you. I love all of you so so much. Now give a sista a break.
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I love you and miss you very much! :)
ReplyDeleteIt is hard being away from everything we know and love, but you have to know that you are following your dreams and you honestly can't say that for 95% of the people you are talking about. You are doing something that is incredibly courageous, you are incredibly driven and hard-working, not to mention responsible and among all that you still manage to be honest, selfless, and incredibly humble. All your family and friends should realize that and realize they are lucky to be a stray thought in your head as you deal with attaining your dream. People that are complaining should be proud and comforting when it comes to understanding the situation you are in and the fact that you may not have as much time for them as you used to. If they don't give you the respect you deserve, they don't deserve to be friends. And you don't need to spend energy on them amongst the hundreds of other things you are accomplishing here.
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